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Experiencing Change - Self Help Tools
Experiencing Change
Brenda Griffin Get A Job Expert
The key to your universe is that you can choose. ~ Carl Frederick
![[Image]](/images/content/inspnov11.jpg)
With any kind of change comes stress. Stress comes from losing something. Things are different and you have to respond! Change can be perceived as good or bad, exciting or terrifying. With job hunting, are looking for a job because you want to or need to? Either way, change is involved. How people manage change is personal. What makes a difference is whether you have a role or a say in the process.
People perceive change to be “good” when they participate. This change brings excitement and anticipation. When engaged in change you want, change feels good! Having a job and choosing to get a new one is good change. Yes, things are different. They are exciting! Because you are involved and engaged, the process feels manageable.
On the flip side, losing your job can feel like bad change. Bad change is change you don’t want and didn’t ask for. You are not part of the decision process. The situation is imposed on you and you are left to deal with it. In the end, you have lost something you didn’t want to lose.
The reality is, both types of change trigger a grief process. Things are different and will never be the same. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross describes the five stages you go through with loss or change: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. These steps are much more apparent with bad change - like losing your job.
So how can you best manage change that feels bad? How can you handle change you don’t want? Start by acknowledging you are experiencing change:
Know that you are in a process. Expect to go through the five stages. You may go through the steps in order, a different order and more than once. Getting to acceptance takes time and effort. Don’t fight the process. Let it happen.
Take action no matter what you are feeling. Learn how to grieve and live your life at the same time. You still need to look for a new job. You still need to live your life!
Focus on what you can control. Create structure and order in your life. Get up at the same time you did before your loss. Make looking for a job your new job. Dress for success. Eat right and exercise. Take care of yourself in every way.
Decide to make your change a good change. Remind yourself how you are involved in this change. Looking for a job after lay-off is how you participate and create good change for yourself! You are engaged in lots of ways. You decide what you want to do to earn a living. You decide which jobs to apply for. You decide which skills you want to use. You decide the best way to present your skills in cover letters and resumes. You decide how to best prepare for interviews. You decide which offers to accept.
Dealing with any change presents a challenge. Choose to look at change with a new perspective so that any change becomes a good change.
Our trials, our sorrows, and our griefs develop us. ~ Orison Swett Marden
You're right about feeling like I'm losing something when I'm trying to make a positive change in my life. No matter how bad a previous habit or lifestyle may have been I still feel like I'm losing a part of my character. When I try to make positive changes it feels very uncomfortable. I feel like I'm being fake when I try to become a totally different person and so I usually turn back to old ways. I also get very bored while trying out the new lifestyle. I've been told "you like what you do" and so all I have to do is live the new lifestyle long enough and I will like it but I never seem to be willing to endure the transition period between lifestyles long enough. Know what I mean? Any suggestions?
Thanks, Scott
Btw, I realize this post was focused on job loss but it also seems applicable to change in general ;)
Hi eltonjohns -
Yes, I do know what you mean! With any change comes loss of something. Even positive changes can be uncomfortable - as you describe in your post.
Think of getting married. It is a happy day, yet what is given up is a measure of independence. Having lived single and now you are sharing your space and time and many other things. I have to laugh at the phrase - "the honeymoon is over"! The good news is that couples work through the changes they experience all the time and have good outsomes.
Or going on a new food routine to eat more healthy when you really miss your favorite snack. Or wanting to exercise more but you give up extra sleep or time doing something else.
At the end of the day, there is a trade off.....get something new vs letting go of something old. Which do you want more? The new or the old? The good news is that we get to decide!
I remember the day in tools when I was feeling a lot of anxiety about something I wanted to change....and was changing. I blogged about it and received a lot of support from the community at the time. It was reassuring to hear that my experience was normal and expected given the change I was executing. The best part is that the change I made has changed my life in many ways......so I lived through it and you will too, if you really want to. But on that day, wow - I was really struggling! It was a personal victory I'll never forget.
From your profile, I see you are on day 6. What I would recommend is that you continue with your tools work. There are many tools you will learn about as you proceed in the course. These will challenge you to examine certain behaviors - specifically your behavior! That is the best part about tools - it is your life and your decision to drive it in the direction that you want. You will also be able to take the time to identify your own goals...not what someone else wants for you.
Thanks for taking the time to write about your situation. I think you have come to the right place! Glad you are here.
Take care,
Brenda
I can't agree more with this.
During the past 5 years i had several changes in my life. Twice i made a total 180 degree ( change city, change job, divorce ). Most of the time those changes were exciting ( althou frightening ) because i was doing what i wanted. It was my choice!
Now it's diferent.Even thou i didn't loose my current job i've been change to a department that is tottaly the opposite to what i want and apllied for. I feel anger, i'm depressed, mad, huuuuuuuu.... and i cant't see a opportunity here.
Brenda, I appreciate your well thought out response. The common thread seems to be desire and motivation. To be honest I seem to waffle back and forth on what I really want. My desires never seem to be consistent and hence my efforts to change are never enduring. I won't say that everything in my life is this way, in fact some things are very easy decisions with clear desires. What does it take within oneself to turn away from desires that are both attractive and destructive at the same time?
I actually went through the entire tools program last year. Its great! Definitely made more self aware and armed with handy tools ;)
Eltonjohns!
What a great question - what does it take within oneself to turn away from desires that are both attractive and destructive at the same time?
Here is my "general" response - realizing that you have options. You are not controlled by circumstances, expectations of others.....how you spend your time. We have choices and can give ourselves the power to choose!
It is easy to feel trapped by circumstances and situations, but this sense of being trapped isn't real. We will always have options. Sometimes the options are not black and white...but two shades of gray...where neither feels great at the moment...like what you describe (attractive and destructive).
And - what about the role of fear? False Evidence Appearing Real. Some things get so blown out of proportion in our minds that we get stuck. Making a list of any fears involved can really flush out obstacles and break them down for your to examine. For each fear you identify, ask yourself two questions - why do you have the fear (afraid of failure, not having enough information, etc) and what is the solution (getting support as I learn, taking a class)?
I often think of the 3 A's of AA - Awareness, Acceptance, Action. Being aware of situation and the choices is A1. Next is accepting that any change is going to be just that - a change with the loss involved (getting to acceptance)...which then evenutally leads to the decision - taking an action to change.
And as they say in AA - "change one day at a time". Since you have been in tools (congrats BTW), then you have knowldge of the tools - the to do list and the very powerful checklist.
I have customized mine to include the very things I need to do everyday to support my change! And remember - we are only asked to do what we can do in a day - nothing more. We can visualize our goals and map out our plan for new results - but it is all based on what we can do in a day.
To help you break it all down, another idea to consider is simply putting together a comparison list of each behavior - what are the benefits of continuing and what are the benefits of changing? Write it out on paper....examine the excuses that come up...tackle them one at a time in that tool...as well as adding them to your checklist.
Great question! Thanks for sharing with the community. Getting clarity with what we want to do and what we want to change is step one for us all. Keep us posted!
Take care,
Brenda
Break down what small actions you could take everyday to support your new activity.
As always, I would recommend getting support for things that seem too big at the moment. I find I work out more regularly with my work out partner - so accountability is great! You could start a challenge here on TTL or seek out a group locally where you live.
Somethings just take time to settle out when you waffle.
Brenda, thank you again for your response. So it seems to me that the decision to change should be based less on feelings, as they change frequently, and more on intelligence. Meaning what is the more intelligent decision based on pros and cons. This understanding coupled with the thought that I may not stop liking my old ways 100% but will be happier with the new ways sounds like a logical plan. So the only thing keeping me back now is not making an intelligent decision and avoiding the work it takes to move forward despite feelings and desires.
Does that sound accurate?
Thanks again :)
Thanks for this thread. I am lurker, but I am learning more than i bargained for.
Eltonjohns -
Yes! Sounds really accurate to me.
Remember the saying, feel the fear and do it anyway?
Or how about letting a craving pass....and drinking a glass of water instead.
Biting your tongue when you want to say something but choose to listen instead.
Paying with cash instead of a credit card....and once the cash is gone, you are done spending...nomatter how much you want to buy one more thing.
It is all in those little details...moment by moment decisions. Moments where you see that you really can do it....you really can do something different no matter how strange / uncomfortable / scary it may feel.
Another great tools is to write out the behavior you want to change, then write out the opposite. Do this in those moments you really don't want to change...ask yourself - why am I doing this? Out of fear, boardom, stress.....whatever....but really see why you are tempted to not change and do what is best. Use an affirmation as well!
Then commit to seeing it through. Next, try turning your thoughts to someone you can help. Do this to take the focus off you and what you are struggling with. Send someone a cheery e-mail, or come here and comment on blogs, go buy groceries for someone..or do something nice for yourself....and watch the struggle pass!
I can't wait to hear how your change works out! Please keep us posted.
Have a great day!
Brenda
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