The Enabler

Kris Reid  BodyMakeover Expert

     When I was losing my sixty pounds seven years ago, I had a very strong will to succeed.  In fact, it never occurred to me that I would not achieve my goal.  My mentor gave me a plan, he told me it would work, the program had worked on thousands of people, and why should I be any different?  I prepared all my food, planned my day, fought through the little and the big obstacles that would pop up throughout the day and, at the end of the day, I was healthier and lighter. 

     I'm sure that none of us, for one second, would imagine that one of our friends or family would think of derailing our efforts.  Yet it happens. One of the most difficult and frustrating challenges to overcome during my weight loss was lunches and dinner with one of my closest relatives.  This relative would insist that I try whatever they were having for dinner, dessert, and would bring me candy, chocolate, treats, anything that would put weight on.  This person knew what I was trying to accomplish and was even familiar with the program.  Yet for some reason, this person would continuously bring me goodies. 

      Recently my latest community program with over 30 participants gathered together for 12 weeks in Santa Monica, California met for a lifestyle change.  During the 12 weeks we teach, reinforce, teach some more, reinforce some more and do a little exercise.  Each lesson teaches something new AND reviews the most important fundamental principals.  It may get repetitive but this is what conditioning is.  By the end of the 12 week program everyone could tell me the most important points of healthy eating at will.  I know because I tested them every chance I got. 

     Even with all the reinforcement, support and enthusiasm, there was one couple that had some problems.  It wasn't so much the "couple" as it was the boyfriend that came to the workshops.  He was about 50 pounds too heavy and she was about 80 pounds too heavy.  I could tell that she was extremely motivated because even when he skipped out on a meeting, she was there at every class.  When he was in attendance (about 50% of the time) he would make comments like, "She would be happier if she could have dessert at the end of dinner," "She isn't going to cut out milk, she has to have it in her coffee," "She'll never cook all those meals, she likes to go out with her friends too much."  I always had an answer for his comments and soon she defended herself as well.  Finally, during week 10 (I was getting over a cold and was low on energy) I laid into him.  The other participants were a little surprised by my comments but they actually supported them by adding to the comments and providing feedback.  

     The point of the story is, if you have someone around you who is really unsupportive (intentionally or not); confront them in a calm yet strong manner.  First I suggest that you tell them how important it is that you accomplish your health goals.  Next, ask them for help.  People love to be asked for help and usually will step up to the task.  Say something like, "You know, I've always looked to you as a role model of sorts. -or- Your opinion has always really mattered with me.  It would help me tremendously if you could motivate me by telling me that I'm doing a good job of staying on track and doing a little scolding if you see that I am straying a little from what I am supposed to be doing." 

    The "Enabler" is rarely aware of their actions and will become defensive and insulted if they are ever accused of being an Enabler.  I have observed many Enablers and heard horror stories of encounters with such a species.  It is best to handle them with care or let an expert deal with them.  ;) 

     Have fun with your friends and family but make sure they are supporting what is best for you.  If they aren't, don't say good bye.  Find the right way to ask them for help and ask them for help.  They will most likely do it. 

Yours in Good Health.