To Write:  Your Family and Other Animals

K. Wordbird Bate  The Writer’s Coach

     In My Family and Other Animals, Gerald Durrell describes the reaction of his family when they find themselves in print. They are hurt, angry and bewildered, and most especially, they do not agree with the renditions made by the author, Lawrence Durrell. They are humiliated to be described as they are, and in public! Yet they love each other dearly, so they struggle to accept.

     This happens all the time. As writers we are on the lookout for fodder, and who else to write into a story but our nearest and dearest? In memoir, or tell-all books, but also in news stories, poetry or novels, there they are. I once used the name of my fiancé’ in a nurse’s technical manual I designed for 3M. It seemed sweet that nurses around the world would dutifully enter his first and last name as they followed my instructions. You find the loved ones of a writer in all types of writing.  

     It is just natural, and interesting, to talk about our relationships. Now with an increase of informal writing and sharing on the internet and elsewhere, our relationships, conflicts, and romances…seems like everything, are increasingly out in public.  

     We should think about what we say, and how. People live with a carefully constructed image of themselves, and to find something different in print, in public, can be seriously upsetting.

 “Go, go, go,” said the bird. “Human beings cannot stand too much reality.” ~T.S. Eliot

     For instance, I wrote a piece about a long-time family friend who took me in briefly when I evacuated from hurricane Katrina. I talked about his cooking, his compassion, and his attempts to use New Orleans foods and spices so I would be comforted. I mentioned his habit of waving his arms fervently in the air while he talks. He reminds me of that robot in Lost In Space. “Danger Will Robinson!” (I did have the wits not to say that).  

     The piece made its way to England, unbeknownst to me, and a Pastor read it in a church service. There were tears, and they were mightily impressed with this fellow.

     Yet he was quite upset. He had no idea he waves his arms about, and it jolted him to learn of it. He could have been pleased to be described as generous and kind. Instead, he was hurt and irate I called him an arm-waver. Go figure. You cannot know how your words will sit with a person. We are not in their heads.

      Yet, his animated arm waving is a detail that brings him to life. It makes him human. You get a sense of him: Intense, energetic, overly contained, so the arms fling about trying to express. Like the robot. All the robot has to wave around are his arms.  

     That’s what makes a story. Details like that. Therefore, we cannot water down what we say. The quirky details about an individual make them fascinating to readers.

      Yet we don’t go around seeking to upset people. (That is for restaurant and other Critics.)  So I advise these options:  Stick to writing about strangers.  Create composite characters; made of many people. “Change the name to protect the innocent.” Give them a different nose and location. Write a disclaimer, “The characters in this novel are all inventions and bear no resemblance to living persons.” That is your story and you are sticking to it!  Stand firm upon your right to describe the world around you, including those you love. And, you can even go so far as to write a book about your funny, funny, relations, and how aghast they are you wrote about them.

     Yet, do respect their basic privacy, never reveal compromising secrets you promised to keep, be as kind as you can, and do not get yourself sued! As important, do not write a dull, perfect, good-looking character, simply to please your relations. Another words, whether hard copy, book or the Web, be careful you cherish and protect the real relationships you have, when you write about them. Love is vulnerable and trust hard earned, so do not damage it. Yet you must also remain true to the story, and to the writer you are.

Let Yourself Bloom!

© Kimberly Bate

Photo by Donald Duck’s Pics