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created by: Actiongirl HI
iT WAS GREAT TO GET REPLIES
i DON'T GO AROUND TELLING PEOPLE MY PARTNER IS AN ASPIE - WE MAKE JOKES ABOUT IT - BUT ITS KIND OF THERAPEUTIC TO SAY IT
i WOULD LIKE TO RECOMMEND A FANTASTIC BOOK
"The curious Incident of the dog in the night time" by Mark Haddon.
In Australia it iwas the winner of the whitbread book of the year.
I'ts written from the perspective of someone with Aspergers. It's short, really easy to read. Do yourself a favour and get the book as it will give you a great insight
Please keep in touch
Hi Wordbird
Great to hear from you. Some days are good days and others are so frustrating.
I had quite a miserable weekend. We went to a wedding and my partner was so opinionated, that I spent most of my time trying to placate him.
Being out of his comfort zone - new people - different scene and alcohol thrown into the mix makes me wish he didn,t c ome, and then I feel guilty for saying such things. What are you supposed to do - tell complete strangers that your partner sometimes has a problem interacting with people.
When I read your last note I found it touching that you finished off with the sentence "We do love our Aspie". I love mine too but like I said there are times he drives me absolutely crazy and then I feel guilty. Thats how your letter struck me. It's hard to say it like it is, and just move on. - just accept that their brain is wired differently instead of apologising every time you acknowledge their insensitivities.
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Hi! I think "detach" is a good word. Lots of people have habits or ways that don't fit what their partner would like. They may put their feet on the furniture when they visit others; or burp or talk on and on...all of us have our little ways.
and...it seems to me a person can step away from that ...that is THEM not you. So if I were at a party having a good time and I'm watching my partner go around telling jokes people hate--that's on him. I don't have to placate him; or apologize for him; or explain, or anything. He's being him. I'm being me. How can he learn a better way to socialize if I step in?
Not saying this is EASY!!
And then I can focus on the things he does that are such a pleasure for me.
Our aspie is opinionated...is there a word that means 10000 times MORE than opinionated? I said I wanted some "fresh vegetables" the other day and he went into a big long argument about the fact that "frozen" and "canned" ARE "fresh." They are FRESH in containers or in a different state.
Uh-huh. I said, "Walk into the FRESH food department at a grocery store and what do you see?"
There was a small pause. But he's always right; so no doubt he will GO to the fresh food area and LOOK for cans and anything else, next time.
I will never understand why it's so important to be right. But, it is. So...I should not have even continued that conversation. Just let him argue with himself about what is fresh.
See I want him to buy "fresh" food for my mom; he wants to insist she is fine with FRESH frozen and FRESH canned. LOL.
That's what I do. I enjoy talking with him, and when it dives off the edge into this "I am right you make no sense" thing, I end the conversation. Not in frustration, anymore. But in the comprehension that "oh, he just went into that thing he does. No sense trying to talk."
He then reports to others that I stopped the conversation because he "won." That's fine with me. He NEEDS to believe he's right; he won; he's in control; he knows everything.
I imagine that's as hard and frustrating and lonely for him as it is for me to deal with.
So...to keep loving people who have difficult habits or ways, I think I have to let them be who they are; at a party, walk away and go enjoy myself from a distance; and then focus everyday on the things I really love and enjoy about them. Aspie or anyone else, we all have human failings and strangeness. The people who love us learn to let it be what it is.
in specific areas, like logic, computers, weather stats, mechanics...our aspie usually IS right. He has much better thinking paths...more clear? More logical? Not messed up by emotion? I donno. In some areas he thinks faster and more clearly than most people. So...I enjoy that as much as I can. It takes a lot of patience sometimes. Sounds like for you, too, this is true.
But do you have web support group? How did he get his diagnosis? Do you have a support group? Does he?
I did read that wonderful (strange) book. It was so well spoken, so interesting. I bought a copy for my family Aspie...he never said anything about it. I know he read it, though.
I have also read the work by ..Terry? Darn I forget her name. She's a professor, with asperger's, who became famous because she was able to really revolutionize (and make more humane) the system for dealing with cows. Because, she said, she "thinks in pictures' and she believes cows do, too. So she could understand what the cows needed, and what was hard for them, about the way these ranches and corrals and such were designed. She actually went herself, through the shoot the cows refuse to go in--and discovered the reason. She's pretty amazing. She has a couple of books out.
Other than that i have not read anything. Do you know of support groups; how do people get diagnosed as adults? And I was talking with my mom about your last blog. She was ..I want to say relieved. It was really healing for her. To hear that your Aspie can acknowledge--he understands and can say, "oh yeh, I did that didn't I?" ...when he is thinking/acting/speaking aspie. That is really so impressive...so important...that fact alone allows him to communicate--his mistakes, his perspective, his differences, the fact maybe you are right about something.
To me, that's what it means when you love somebody. You are willing to look at yourself, and to listen to that person, and to admit when maybe you did the thing they say you did.
Our aspie cannot do that. He is always right. Everyone else is always wrong. But we're hoping that maybe that's because he does not have...whatever gave your guy and dru that knowledge of themselves as aspies.
That's another they should be commended for. To have gone for a diagnosis? To have learned about asperger's?
Believe me, he may "drive you crazy" at times but EVERYONE does that! If he can really love you enough to stand there and listen to a hurt he has caused and say to you, "Yep, you are right. I did that."
That's really special. Lots of non-aspies cannot do that.
So we'll take anything else you will share. Books, how you got the diagnosis, how you learned about aspies, what helps in the relationship, other stuff to read...and thanks. We do love our aspie.
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