Found Baggage

I haven't been here for a while because things have been going so well for me.  The relation I am in has been the most amazing thing to happen to me for...well, for my whole life.  Besides having children that is.  Just one small problem, I keep finding old baggage.  Residual from my past relationship has been sneaking into this one.  I don't like it, not one bit.  Sometimes its subtle, like I flooded the kitchen  counter with running water and was immediately back to walking on egg shells and waiting to hear the negative, the impending I told you so, the sinking ship...I realized that this was not going to happen within minutes of the incident and tried to calm myself but found that I was immediately angry at my ex, mad at myself for still having this shit floating around in my head and then I was sad for letting it get to me like it did. 

This is not the first time since my new relationship that this kind of thing has happened.  It's not often but its enought to want to try to fix it actively.  I just don't know how to pre-emptively stop them.  I don't even know what is going to cause them?  Forgeting my cell phone and re-routhing a trip, I'm sorry, I'm sorry...I won't forget it again etc.  sends me into panicing, is he mad at me for wasting time, for being forgetful?  HE ISN'T!! HE DOESN'T SAY ANYTHING MEAN TO ME!! HE IS NOT UPSET ABOUT ANY OF IT!!!  HE LOVES ME AND DOESN"T MAKE ME FEEL BAD ABOUT ANYTHING!!  I waited 8 years to find this kind of relationship.  To heal the wounds and fix my family, to make sure that I was ready for a relationship, to figure out how to like myself, for the first time in my life. 

I don't like these episodes and right now they are the only thing that is not going right in my world.  I want to fix them but I'm not sure where to start.  I do think that some of it is from me still being insecure with myself and the relationship because of doubt.  For a really long time and probably most of my life, I don't think I deserved to be loved like this man loves me and now that I have it.  It's still taking me by surprise.  This man loves me, for all my flaws and all my strengths.  I want to feel that security for the first time in my life too.

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