*BACKGROUND INFO*: In 2003 my mom left work on disability. She'd been having back, knee and foot pain issues since 2001. I'd stayed home after leaving WCU to come help with my brother and sister. Dad was still home, but not much help, being that he was either rehearsing or on a job. He eventually left the house altogether in an extremely petulant and dramatic display. Anyhoo...
Ever so slowly, I've noticed that my mother has become more and more complacent and at the same time, more radical. In 2006, shortly after my father left, we had finished up the work and payments for the duplex around the corner (my mom's childhood home).
The verbal understanding at the time was that she was going to "sell" that property to me and put our house in my name, since my father had left, and she didn't want her property passing to him in the event the inevitable happened sooner than expected. She had been diagnosed with angiosarcoma the year before, and was undergoing chemo.
Late August of 06, she hires a 'handyman' to redo the living and dining rooms (walls, floors and ceilings). They signed it in writing to be completed in three weeks. He's still working.
*Here's the radical part* About two months into the job, I learn from my brother who's in the downstairs apartment of the duplex, that the upstairs, which was verbally allotted to me, had been occupied by handyman and his lady.
The thing that eats at me is that I wasn't even approached about it. So I have since decided that I'm not involving myself in decisions my mother has to make. There have been times since then that I have done this, only to be overridden or vetoed anyway, so I just don't bother anymore.
M'kay, now that we're all up to speed... On the weekends, my mother has taken to staying in bed. She's more than entitled, but here's the thing... Monday through Friday, with the exception of every other Tuesday she has chemo, she’s in the bed from 10:30 am to 3:30 pm. I know this because every Friday she tries to get the towering laundry pile down in time enough to be out of my way Sunday, and she tells me about shows she’s had a chance to watch with finite detail.
Earlier this year she went into hospital. She hadn't told me she'd given a key to handyman. The policy is that if you don't announce your arrival before you ring the bell, no admittance. He had called earlier that day, and my brother's Home Health Aide had said that he was stopping by to get something (she couldn't understand what he was saying).
So, this on a Tuesday night where I have to get up extra early to get everybody ready, I'm sitting waiting for him to show up. Called mother to see what the deal was, and why I wasn't told what was going on. She said that she didn't have to tell me what's going on in the house and that if I didn't like it, that I should "do something".
She got upset because she thought I was giving her attitude by asking her what was going on being as though I'm the only abled person in the house. I got agitated because I was trying to get clarification as guy hadn't shown up, I didn't know what he needed and didn't want to come flying downstairs in the dark and stun him for no reason (I have a stunner for protection), cause then I really would have been at fault, and guy was already pissed at me for snitching about how he comes in the house uses the restroom, doesn't wash his hands and then helps himself to the fridge.
This weekend, I decided to go to a salsa class. Went, had fun, more walking than I had intended, but that’s ok. She had said Friday that she was going, but woke up Saturday morning "not feeling well". She's well enough to have a drink at 11 am, after having stayed in all week as she usually does with the exception of her chemo every other Tuesday, but not well enough even take a drive and sit in the car listening to music for a half hour on a gorgeous day.
I got flack when I got home for having gone out, even though she knew I was going. Then Sunday, she's still not well. These fits of Munchausen not wellness stem from her not getting a proper diet or enough activity or sunlight, and not taking her meds as prescribed, which is something I gently remind her to do. But I'm at the point now that if she doesn't want to get better, I really can't make her. And I don't want to.
The thing that has me so tizzied right now is that all of a sudden, she wants to involve me in decisions. But they're minor ones that she can make on her own. She has cancer, not Alzheimer’s.
Yesterday was my laundry day. I had more than usual, so I skipped my 'midday nap while the wash is going' cause I like to be showered and in bed, ready for Monday morning with about a half hour or so of TV time by 8:30.
She was in bed, but had all day to decide whether to give Stevie and Cindy TV dinners, order something out, or clean up from what's in the fridge. I was up and down the steps a fair amount of times, and conversed with her twice, one time about this very thing. That was at 10 of 5. She was waffling on whether to clean up or order in. I said it's up to her, because whatever she decides I can work with.
She's gotten so under my skin that where I used to buy for the house, as one should, things like cleaning products and food, I don't bother wasting my money anymore because it doesn't get used unless I use it, and there's only so much cleaning and eating one should do.
But she doesn't hesitate to buy cookies and other not healthy snacks and says "I bought these for you, so you eat them" even though she knows I'm trying to lose weight. And I've tried to tell her not to waste her money, but it's apparently not, because she eats the cookies and ice cream, etc. before I can even think to have a little bitty bit as a weekend treat.
I want to tell her to stop buying that stuff for her and saying it's for me. But then she'll go off about how I'm being disrespectful. She wants to be free, but yet she needs me because of my brother (MD and wheelchair bound) and sister (CP). Cin is much easier to handle, but Stevie can't bathroom on his own, which keeps us close to the house for the two person stuff like going to BJ's.
Then there're things like when she said aloud but in front of me that she didn't want anymore grandchildren, but is embracing Stevie's hha's soon to be four daughters wholeheartedly as if they are indeed her grandchildren. Then she'll say to Stevie "and maybe Lou will have a baby soon. She'll have to go to the donor bank." I want to haul off and slap her, but that's not good no matter how you look at it.
So I just pretend I didn't hear it, or found it as amusing as she did. But I have gotten back at her by saying that I'm not having children, and not giving her the info on my personal business that doesn’t affect my availability for the manual labor. It sucks that I'm stooping, but... Then she gets all harried and says "Oh, don't say that!"
So back to last night, I had done all the laundry, and it was 6:45. She told me to wake her up at half past, but I thought I'd give her a few more minutes since she wasn't feeling well. I come upstairs and get ready for my shower. She sends Cin downstairs as I'm heading up.
Then I hear Stevie say something about bathroom. Thinking he had to go, I come out and ask him. He was actually telling mom that I was in the bathroom. She had come to the steps and said something but I couldn't hear her. She'd put on her meek voice thinking I was in my room and that would get me to do what she wanted.
I asked if she needed me, and she said no, but then said "So what are you going to feed them?" to which I replied "Ma'am?" (Yes, I'm like one of like five people outside the armed forces who still uses sir and ma'am).
If she wanted me to feed them, she should have said so when we had the conversation at 4:50. She then repeated what she’d said about ordering out or cleaning up. I repeated my response adding that she told me to wake her up at half past because at ten of five she hadn't decided. She goes off in a huff to the kitchen, and I go back in the bathroom.
I'm in the shower, so I don't hear her and Cindy come upstairs. When I get out, I head downstairs, thinking that they've already eaten, me being in there half hour. She says from her bed that she gave them juice but not dinner.
Before I had come up, I had pulled out the wings and baked macaroni from earlier in the week. Heat and eat. 30 seconds in the nukker since they’d be about room temp anyway. But that was too much. So that left me miffed.
Fed everyone, realized that Stevie hadn’t gotten juice at all, as he didn’t get his meds. And that’s another thing. She thinks its ok to lie to me, and that I’m dumb enough not to figure out her sloppy attempts at covering her ass. It’s like she’s forgotten that I wrote the book on lying before I saw the light and changed my ways.
I’m just at the point right now where I dread being in that house, even though I know that’s where I’m needed. I’m hoping that Stevie’s hha hurries up and has this baby (is 38 weeks normal or late?) so I can get back to normal, and I don’t even want to talk to my mother sometimes. Sometimes I feel like I’m being the most selfish person in the world. I just want to get away from the crazy people!
comments
That's a great blog!
Wow, That is a great blog. I have trouble with finding words (or what to talk about) in my blogs. You just put it all out there in a free flow. After I read it, I thought wow she has challenges but can state what it is all about. So I cheer you on in your challenge to be what you want to be and to find the JOY in everyday.
hang in there
I know I can't say I understand your situation because I am not the one in it, however I can imagine how difficult it must be. I would say don't be too hard on yourself, you are an amazing woman!