Beknec 's blog

Birth Date: Tue, Mar 29 1960

Place of residence:
Canberra ACT, Australia (map)

I am: In Relationship

Schools: Cert Art & Design

Jobs: Admin at Postnatal Depression group, nightfill at local Supermarket

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Certificates:

Tools Program Stats:
Member Since: 08/28/07
Last Login: 09/22/08
Viewed: 73194
Program in:
Program Progress: Day 9

Beknec's Challenges:

Beknec's Participating:

Raw Food Challenge Plus

Personal Interests:

Music:

Luka Bloom, Alternative, not rap

Books:

Favorite Places:

Gamla Stan - Stockholm, The seaside in winter, 5 mile beach in Tasmania - Aus, rainforests anywhere

I Want To See:

I want to stand in Stonehedge in the freezing cold, the dark, and the silence of the Winter Solstice.

Hobbies:

Drawing Celtic knots

Activities:

Sports:

Doing crunches during ads on tv, 5 hours of weightlifting at my local supermarket 5/7

Movies:

TV:

Gory real life medical docs

Heroes:

My daughter!

I Want To Meet:

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Tools Goal List:

Areas In My Life I Want To Work On

- Career
- Getting in shape

I Suffer From

- Low self-esteem

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Beknec's Life List:

I was 8 I dreamed of going to Sweden. On 13/3/1980 I arrived in Stockholm, not for a moment thinking about the fact that I was on the other side of the world, all by myself. I had the best 7 weeks of my life and can still feel the coldness of snow falling on my tongue for the first time. It was really awesome to hold a snowflake on my finger and see the complexities of shape and colour - perhaps this is where I first got the idea to draw Celtic knots?

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Wallowing in choc chip cookies

I only discovered about six years ago that I have had depression for most of my life. The last time I was really happy was when I was about 23. Sure, I have had flashes of joy and happiness, but that's all they have been - brief flashes of joy in a very black world.

[I just realised when I wrote the above that I tried (and fortunately failed dismally) to top myself when I was 23. How weird to remember that!]

It wasn't till I started working with the postnatal depression group that I realised I had had PND, and also AND before my daughter was born. I loved being pregnant, so it's very dialiectical to say the happiest time of my life was also one of the darkest.

I went on antidepressants about five years ago - this coincided with two miscarriages and a bout of thyroid cancer on top of uni studies and all the other shit that was going on in my life at the time. While it improved my headspace, I never have liked the idea of being on drugs at all, so frequently tried to wean myself off them with disasterous results.

When I first started Tools seven weeks ago (is that all? Seems more like a lifetime ago - and perhaps it is) I was in the process to wean myself off once more, this time because I simply couldn't afford to pay for the medication.

I now know that I will never need to be on antidepressants ever again! Tools has done for me something that no medication could ever hope to achieve. It has given me the power to take control of my thought processes, to create positive synapses, of knowing that I can achieve anything I conceive and believe in, of believing that I am having a great day. I got the power!

For the first time in 24 years I can smile knowing that I am happy to my very core. Knowing my spirit has been re-awakened. Knowing that I don't need to be wallowing in those choc chip cookies ever again. Knowing that YES, I AM HAPPY!

p.s. I don't recommend you stop taking your antidepressants if you are on them, and if you do decide that you are ready to take that step, you need to do it very gradually over the course of a few months.

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Skills I Am Interested In

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