Certificates:
Tools Program Stats:
Member Since: 11/11/08
Last Login: 12/09/10
Viewed: 11885
Program in:
Program Progress: Day 3
Member Since: 11/11/08
Last Login: 12/09/10
Viewed: 11885
Program in:
Program Progress: Day 3
Big.B's Challenges:
Big.B's Participating:
Big.B's Participating:
Personal Interests:
Music:
Metallica, Sublime, Stemm, Bob Marley, AC/DC, Pantera, most any rock&roll, some country, some hip hop(I use it for boxing, for rhythm), I like most kinds of music, I'm pretty open minded about it. I don't do Emo, screamo, death metal or opera
Books:
Favorite Places:
I Want To See:
Hobbies:
I dont think I have any hobbies, really.
Fighting & Training (MMA, Boxing, Muay Thai, Jiu Jitsu)& weightlifting is pretty much it. (but thats a sport right?)
Activities:
Sports:
Movies:
TV:
Heroes:
My son Nik is my hero, he's as real as a person can get, no matter what anyone thinks, and he's a RAD dude too. I admire so much about him.
I Want To Meet:
Big.B's Life List:
| To own a home |
| Dental overhaul! |
| Take a vacation to the mountains with my wife and 2 boys. |
| To fly a helicopter |
| To ride (my motorcycle) cross country, & take plenty of time to do/enjoy it |
comments
says:
my husband does the same things that you are describing we are in counseling together and it has made a huge difference! its a third party and sorry but i dont know how to make these things happen, thats why we went to counseling, its someone to give him the tools he needed to communicate, and me the tools to put myself first . a huge thing we do as a team are "I" statements, i thin kif you google you can get the idea of how to do it, but it is something we had to consciously do, it took months and months to become a natural thing. we also keep an emotions chart with the little smiley face icons on it, no joke, it sounds silly but it is really hard to come up with what emotions you are feeling on your own! something similar to this '
http://www.adoptioncrossroads.org/FeelingFaces.gif
i would start with learning the "I " statements and practicing them with your wife, even if you both feel there is no problem at that time, you dont wait to practice football until you lose, so do the same with this... best of luck i hope this helped a little. seeing a counselor really did hold us together for the time being, i was about to take my son and leave and take the easy way out, we were having hard hard times
says:
Take the first step....
Well maybe the third step, you started the TOOLS program and then wrote this posting asking for help.
I see where you are coming from, I have been in the same boat, although not 20 years worth, but 11. I have had rough patches with my wife before when I wasnt able to talk to her. This past year, and especially since I started this program our relationship has gotten 10X better now that I am able and willing to talk to her and tell her how I am feeling. If you keep these emotions and feelings bottled up they will just create resentment and anger towards your wife. You CANNOT do that to you or her.
I would suggest either just sitting down with someone to get this out, or going right to the source, she needs to know your concerns sooner or later anyway. You say that you want to stay with her, and that is fantastic, so you really need to open up. I know it is hard, and I know that you probably also do not want to hurt her, but you can also not live your life in pain, that is not fair to you. So figure out exactly what it is that you want to talk to her about, write out a checklist if it will help you remember your points, and get her alone, preferably without the kids there at all so that you guys can really talk. While talking, you will probabaly get emotional, but dont get mad. This needs to be a serious discussion of how you want to make this work, this is not a bashing on her, but these things need to be addressed.
Just like you took the steps to join TOOLS and just like you took the steps to write this posting, you too can take the steps to talk to your wife about the things that you need to change/have changed in order to be happy again. She may resist at first, but at the end of the day, she wants you to be happy as well. You can do it my friend, be strong.
says:
Just make an appointment with a counselor. Believe me they are worth their weight in gold. Even if you only go for a few weeks to get things off your chest, I'm sure this will make you feel a lot better and may be enough for you to see more clearly and decide on what action to take.
I know also, that it can take a lot of strength to seek out a counselor. (It took me years before I went to see one) but do not under-estimate the power of having a stranger listen to you unconditionally.
says:
Hi there
Just typing your post here could not have been easy, but you've made a huge step just acknowledging the way you feel.
I disagree that you cannot articulate your thoughts; you've actually explained yourself very well here and what I was so pleased to see is that you know what you want. You want to stay married, you want to be happier and perhaps most importantly of all, you've explained that what you've tried so far isn't working. Those things are huge in terms of self-insight, so congratulations.
If I may, I'd like to make a few kind suggestions.
1. Start a journal and in it, write down everything. Ask yourself: why are you unhappy? What do you want that you don't have? What do you want to change? And most importantly, what is right? What are the things you are grateful for? perhaps on your PC in a file where you can keep it private, is the best place for it for now.
2. Do you have a hobby? Do you have goals? When was the last time you bought yourself a great CD, had a massage, bought yourself some aftershave? Are you being kind to yourself?
Keep logging on here and keep us posted; this is a great community where you can speak freely and find huge support. There are a lot of really intelligent people here who will give you great advice and encouragement.
take care
aqua