Alright, so I haven't been on in a few days. For some reason a lot of negative information has been filling my head and I started feeling like I was drowning in so much negativity I did not think I was going to get out. Many people are not doing well health wise, I felt like I was in a rut. But, yesterday I decided that I wasn't going to let any of the problems affect me. I told myself that I was going to find a way to fix whatever is wrong or accept the situations that arise. I know some things I can not change. Somethings I can, and those that I can change I will as soon as possible instead of dwelling on the negative, which I have been doing most of my life. Last night I was talking to my best friend I was informing him about my oldests fathers abandonment.. He asked about my youngests father and where he was and what not. I told him I didn't know where he was and I don't care to know. Eventually I had to tell him again about her conception. I told him about the rape and he I guess didn't hear me and his reply was, " You brought it on yourself" I was devistated he actually said that to me. I started thinking that I did bring it on myself for going out that night. I was so hurt, but then I started thinking about my choice that I made to keep her regardless of how she was conceived and how much joy she brought this family. I told myself I did not bring on myself. It's not my fault he wouldn't take no for an answer, it's not my fault that he decided to do that just to get his rocks off. I just went out to have a good time for once and things went wrong. It was out of my control no matter how much I fought. Then I finally stood up for myself to my bestie and told him that he hurt me for saying that and I informed him i did not bring it on myself. I said I did not scream RAPE ME PLEASE! But, I accepted what happened and I accepted my child as mine not as something that came out of a horrible situation. She is a beautiful little girl and if I could go back and change what happened I wouldn't. The situation made me stronger. He apologized for what he said and that he didn't know. I accepted his apologize and just changed my state of mind like a flick of a switch. I didn't dwell on what he said I thought about all she has given me joy, love, a reason to live, and a reason to make myself better so I can give her what she and her sister deserves. I felt good after I told him. I didn't stay upset and that felt awesome to me.
Now that I did day three I was proud for standing up for myself to Matt. I noticed I have already started changing the way I think to not a problem an oppurtunity. Her conception wasn't what I wanted but I want her. She has given me the opportunity to do so mush. She continues to grow stronger and happy and doing so she and her sister has helped me feel happiness, true happiness in my heart that I didn't think that I would ever feel that in my life. I will continue to think in oppurtunity rather then problems.
I'm very happy I found this site. I don't think I would have made any progress without this site.
Thank you for reading my ramble, please keep up the great work and don't ever give up on yourself. Once you do you wont be able to accomplish the wonderful things your set out to do in this world.