orphan barring her past.

Its 3:30 am and sleep is farther than impossible at this point. the events of yesterday were one of the worst emotional rollercoaster i have ever ridden.

 let me start out by saying yesterday was my sisters baby shower that i threw her and it turned out wonderful. everyone left with a smile on their face and a full stomach. then i went home and me and my fiance went out to work on the yard for about an hour we had fun together working together, then we went to my parents house which is a rare occasion bc we have a rocky relationship from the past treatment of my abusive father and passive mother about the situation to the point where in her mind the issue doesnt exist.

we started out the evening there great. we were all getting along and sitting by a fire and telling stories about past events. my fiance started telling a story about how he locked his keys in his car in dayton about an hour from where we live and how his mom had to drive an hour to give him his spare key. so i was telling him a story about how i was in richmond about 45mins from where we live and my car broke down and i had to call my dad and ask him to come pick me and a friend up and he told me that he wouldnt come pick me up and that i wasnt allowed to leave untill i figured out what was wrong with my car and fixed it, then we called a friend and he came out to look at the car and he couldnt figure out what was wrong with it so he drove us home my dad was pissed about me coming home without my car and i was punished. in my story i left out the punished part so i figured it wouldnt push anyones buttons. and my dad went off on me telling me how i was an "ungreatful bitch" bc he has spent so many unrested hours taking me to softball games and such and how much he has sacrificed for me. i then told him that i couldnt believe he was throwing that in my face bc when i was in high school and not old enough to drive yet my mom had been the one to take me to all my games and run me here for sports and there. and then i told him that i never wanted to play softball but he made me and he was mean about it when i was a kid. he used to coach my softball teams when i was a child and he would scream at me if i made a mistake and if i dare cry he would scream crossed the field "u better dry it up or ill give u something to cry about when we get home." he hit me in front of everyone as well. it was not only embarrassing but so mentally nerve recking. i know i probably should have never spoke about it...bc my dad flipped a lid and started calling me names including the "c word" which is just something u dont call anyone. i was also called crazy and bi polar a bitch a regret. so i lost my temper and laid into him i told him he was a piece of shit and a sad excuse for a father, who beat his family. he then told me that he would show me a true beating. i started gathering my belonging and proceeded to leave...for him to keep running his mouth and telling me that i was not his family and i will no longer be welcome at his home or to see my mother or little brother. as i turned to walk away eric was a head of me my father ran up behind me and grabbed me out of anger with his fist held to my face and told me if i didnt get off his property [which is where i was heading anyways] he would call the law on me, i then told him if he ever dare touch me again i would call the law on him and put him in jail where he belonged to be along time ago.

 i was so angry with him. i could have said so much more....but i figured i got my point across. the fact is that hes my father and i do love him despite the things he has put me through and the battles i still face today bc of my childhood. but honestly i can never forgive him for those things and if it wasnt for my mom and brother that i am now forbidden to see i would have never spoken to my father after i left that house 3 years ago. im upset to the point of rage. but not for the fact that  i am no longer part of the "family" but for the fact that im numb to his stupid mind games and i dont give a shit anymore...theres only so much one person can take from someone b4 they throw in the towel.

i went over to talk to my sister after this all had happened bc i knew she would understand and talk to me bc she too has been cast out of the "family" 2 years ago. i have come to the conclusion even if im welcomed back into the circle that i dont want to be apart of a family that is so easy to give up on each other from a silly story and call names like a child. i should not have to walk on egg shells around my own family bc they made mistakes in the past. i am a strong person and i have a great family that is stronger than blood could ever be. i have a loving fiance who supports me, a wonderful sister and brother inlaw who will never give up on me. a nephew on the way. wonderful soon to be inlaws...and my friends who have been there through everything and never turned their back to me no matter what.

 i feel kind of at ease. i have barred my past. walked away with my head held high. i am now an orphan at last.

Comment (3) View (317) Show support

Tags: