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Cardinarla
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Birth Date: Thu, Jun 19 1947

Place of residence:
Grand Rapids MI, United States (map)

I am: Married

Schools: Oakdale Christian, Grand Rapids Christian High, Grand Valley State University

Jobs: Medical Social Worker, Professor of Human Services at University of Phoenix; (retired)


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Member Since: 04/01/08
Last Login: 06/29/08
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Self-Abuse

 

 

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  Cardinarla

Tue, May 13 09:13 AM

Self-Abuse

 

I have had a growing recognition of how often I swear at myself, or call myself names.  Although I am pretty sure I have been doing this all of my life, since my MS has progressed, I find myself talking out loud to myself a whole lot more.  I even talk to myself in public, which is kind of embarassing.  I know the self-abuse comes from years of being verbally and physically abused, but it also comes from my own perfectionism.  With MS, I can't perceive my limb placements, so I trip a lot, I drop a lot of things from weakness in my hands, in short, I am a walking disaster area for messes.  God forbid I open the refrigerator; just doing so causes the entire contents to disengorge, and a simple search for the mustard becomes an hour long clean up.  Thank God for the dogs! 

Actually, funny stories aside, I am catching myself, not always before the self-abuse,

but I am aware now, and I will stop and say, "well thats another quarter in the jar!"

and laugh at that foolish left brain who thinks I should be perfect!  I've always loved that line in Leonard Cohen's song,

"There is a crack in everything. Thats how the light gets in."  So loving myself, cracks and all. 

 

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