Wow-  I guess there was a problem when posting my story.   ... so, in nutshell...   I am a woman, a daughter, a lover, an painter, an illustrator, a portrait artist, a massage therapist, a tattoo artist...         I'm CT-   eh.  Soon to be somewhere else.  (Anyone know of any good art towns that are not crazy expensive? )  So, my goals right now are:    to be healthy, get my work out there, so I don't have to rub butts forever. I do enjoy my job, but it's still my job. It's actually very cool that I get to help people everyday, whom most of are appreciative. I may try to switch over from the spa atmosphere to a hospice or hospital program.  What else... I struggle lately with my self image. Well- always with my body image. I've been worrying the last couple of years about what other people think of me- and I do NOT like that. I don't remember ever being this way. I spend a lot of time alone with my art- which is based around body image, and also loss of innocence, so not always very cheerful.  It is important to me though,  so I won't just stop working on it. My friend brought it to my attention that that is probably one of the reasons for my own self image, being that i use myself as a model for most of my paintings drawings...      On top of this social anxiety, I get a lot of anxiety with men that stems from a particular event. It's getting better though. Everything seems to be getting better.  This is my story, this is why I'm here. And I'm diggin' it. Logging in everyday feels good, and it's inspiring to read everyone's success stories and goals. 

 I have had some major struggles the last couple of years, and actually the few years before that.  I don't know where to start. I was in a very bad love/hate relationship for a few years out of high school and getting in a lot of trouble, being very bad to my body, and to my family- very shameful behavior. I woke up finally, thank god,   and went to school for massage therapy and then continued on to get my BFA.  The last year of college, I unfortunately had some very serious events occur. I feel comfortable only mentioning one to the public. This was that I was attacked in my home, in my bed by a total stranger. Needless to say- it was rough, especially trying to graduate from college. Hard to concentrate, no sleep... no trust.  Without going into too much detail, I need to tell everyone this very significant part of how it went down.          I was studying late one night for an exam the next day. I closed by book, shut out the lights and then closed my eyes. Still the information was racing through my brain, my subconscious quizzing my conscious. I realized how panicked I was, and then did something I hadn't done in months. I said a prayer. It went like this,

" I know you haven't heard from me in a long time. I am losing touch with you, I am losing my faith. Please help me. Give me the strength. Don't let me lose you. "     I rested, and began to fall asleep with my hands folded on my chest.  Maybe not more than five, ten minutes, ( I wasn't in a deep sleep yet )  my door opens...  there a sillouette stood. "Hello?"  "Hello?" i called again a again. I thought it was my boyfriend at first, then as he just stood, I thought, my roommate.   Still no answer. I realized I did not know this person as he moved toward me in my bed- immediately thinking this cannot be happening. I screamed for help as loud as I could over and over, while kicking like I never thought I could.  He tried to silence me by putting a pillow over my head, I turned and continued to yell. No one comes. I am thinking am I going to die like this?   Hell no. I take a breath a begin screaming again when I am hit on the head with- who knows- gun, knife-  whatever, something hard that split my head.  He was probably thinking he'd knock me out or get me to shut up. I pause, and begin again and then....  

        ...he leaves.              

The first thing I thought was  "that mother******".  

The second thing I said to myself was Thank You.  I knew my prayer had been heard.  

Some people have misinterpreted this story, and say to me, yeah you asked for help from God- and he does that to you.   No no no-

I am alive right now- get it. This person just got up and left.           Very surreal.   

  As many times as I can remember wanting to die, or taking comfort in the thought,  I was not going to give it up that easily-  I had so much left to do.

 Anyway, It's sad that it takes something like that to happen sometimes for you to appreciate life and what's even sadder is that as time goes by you forget, some days don't seemed filled with opportunity as much as just another groundhog day.   I think back though,  and remember that I am lucky to be here- to have 1 day,  to have thousands of days.  And I remember  there is ALWAYS someone on my side, on your side, if we trust and have faith in ourselves and in our purpose. 

To some it seems a little far fetched- not to me. I need a little jump start, but if I develop these good habits I hope to share my art with the world. 

I've got some things to say, and I want to be heard.