..... Didnt blog yesterday because I had the strangest thing happen to me yesterday. I was on one of my other support sites and came across someone with a situation VERY similar to mine. So we got to talking and after about 30 minutes of back and forth, she referenced her husbands mistress and when i heard the name my heart stopped and i faught for air.
The girl whom is accredited to treating my husband better than i ever had, the woman whom my husband was willingly giving more financial support than i had EVER been offered, the one who actually knew about me and my kids still being a part of his life, -- this woman, WHOM was taken on the family vacation WE NEVER GOT,
...... was the woman who NOT ONLY was the mistress of my newfound 'friend's husband, but was actively giving contribution to both her and my marriages DURING THE SAME GAHWDAMNED TIME FRAME !!!
I havent been able to look at my husband in the same way since yesterday morning when I found this out. And I told him. I even showed him the conversation between us wives.... Like usual, he didnt seem even slightly irritated by it. And when I asked if he knew he said no but that it doesnt matter anyways because its not going to change any of it.
It hurt more than he will ever know to see how little he cared about the devistation i felt to find out that I was '2nd best' to a whore with no morals or respect for the sanctity of marriage. I literally laid on the floor be my side of the bed for hours before anyone came home - crying and (for the first time ever) regretting all the self-consuming dedication I have had through these last few years in my marriage.
For some reason a lot of his actions seemed much more biased. Things that never crossed my mind until yesterday were all of a sudden swirling through my head, crowding my brain. Everytime he left me to go persue others he NEVER looked back at us (me or the kids). But MONTHS after moving to NM and leaving charissa, he had a Nintendo Wii shipped to her house in time for her birthday. I cant even lie to myself and say DUH-everyone has the BDAY CALENDAR spam. Because he bought it A WEEK IN ADVANCE.
Be it right, wrong, or indifferent, I feel that there has to be a major flaw in my ways. He was there for every other damsel in distress but me. He looked back at everyone but me. He always offered to help or would have the assets to help everybody but me. He was a shoulder to cry on and there for those going through emotionally rough times - unless that person was me.
I dont think i want to be here anymore. At all. I dont think i can change this desire to give up and walk away. I have never given up on someone I loved. Relationships have always slowly faded into friendships and fond memories. Even the ones that got ugly had ended on a still friends standpoint. I dont know why my head is doing this to me. I hate it and i feel like i am letting myself down in admitting it, but i dont even see anything but total darkness everytime i try to look into my heart and picture what it will be like in the future between us. i feel like a void. and i cant help but take a step back and feel like there wont be a 'new chapter' to my life until i get a different book.
I thought this feeling was bad before when it first started coming around, but its been top of the thought pile and constantly there for the last 24 hours. It even found a way to materialize itself into a chunk of my dreams.