Here's a bunch of words separated by commas that I FEEL describes me fairly well...

messy, disorganized, social, easily amused, tough, outgoing, rarely worries, self revealing, open, risk taker, likes the unknown, likes large parties, makes friends easily, likes to stand out, likes to make fun of people, reckless, optimistic, tends to talk to inatimate objects, positive, strong, does not like to be alone, ambivalent about chaos, abstract, impractical, good at saving money, fearless, trusting, thrill seeker, not rule conscious, enjoys leadership, strange, loves food, abstract, rarely irritated, anti-authority, attracted to the counter culture .

...... Its pretty ugly.

Grew up playing in the dirt and riding dirtbikes with my brother and dad. Mom wasnt around much - she was always either at work or grouchy when I was growing up. Once I hit highschool mom and dad got divorced, my brother went with my dad and I stayed with my mom. Wasnt too long before my mom was never home because she was persistent on finding someone to be with. I have always lived in one small corner of Vegas. When the economy crashed it took a few months but eventually construction came to a screeching halt. I lost my job and lived off unemployment and side jobs as long as I could. My home was larger than I could ever really need and it got very hard to fund. Thats when my husband decided we were moving........ 13 miles across town. I felt so lost, so far away from the only place I have ever known. It wasnt even 5 months before I learned all those bad habits my husband had never really died. On his birthday I had finally got the guts to call him out and leave for good. Well that sorta worked.... except fot the fact that he was too selfish to leave so the boys and I were not being displaced AGAIN. Regardless the fact, I switched my sons' school for a second time that year and bounced around for a month before ending up in a crowded apartment offered by a friend. By crowded i mean SEVEN PEOPLE IN A TWO BEDROOM. That didnt last long before it was me and my older son on couches, and the big walk in closet being cleared out and converted into a toddler room. And it was shortlived before grades plummeted from poor sleep, lack of attention and general non-interest/motivation. So I felt like there was no choice but to go back home to Cheaterville.  I hate sitting here feeling like I am stuck and miserable. I am in an area the I dont know well, away from everyone I used to associate with and feel completely alone although I am here with my kids and my unfaithful husband of 4 years to rely on. But I know that if anything at least I can say that I didnt run without first trying. In fact I tried until it left me feeling completely hollow and disturbingly unhuman.

The spouse -

It took 4 years before I was able to get the entire picture painted, but it seems like a lifetime to me.

 In the beginning I seen evidence of emotional flirting and 'extra friendly conversation' but wrote it off as a Fresh from Iraq phase and let it go. BOY WAS I WRONG. It never really stopped regardless of my many requests and pleas. Wasnt much more than a year later when he came back home bearing  even more secrets. These ones were far more serious and concerningly careless. One in particular was a full blown relationship. When I found out about this girl I found out that there were others (3 others, that he admits to) as well as countless 'dates', personal ad posts AND replies, date site accounts, and emotional affairs through texts, person to person conversation, and messaging programs. If he wasnt flirting with them, he was berating me to them. At first he responded with denial. Then it was delete-all proof-then-deny. Then there was anger and 'whatevers' as he slammed doors or walked out and left. Eventually there came a point where he seemed sincere in reconciliation but during marriage counceling he blurted out 'I never did anything wrong to you' and like a lightbulb burning out, I was unexpectedly fumbling around in the dark alone once more. Thats when I found out he had  a history of selfharmful behaviors and has never told anyone about any of his actions. And of course, the world was informed that everything went bad because I am crazy (go figure, right) ......

Seems like a lot, huh ???  Well inbetween here and there i also lost a close friend.  As a promise kept, I did all I could to help be there for her THREE CHILDREN along with my two.  I didnt even comfortably know her husband and shortly after her passing he was spending A LOT of time on my couch interacting with me and watching not only how I functioned with them but how they responded towards me.  Who could blame him, right ??? His oldest had JUST TURNED FOUR and the youngest, a mere four months old.  Well my loving husband opted to take the 'I feel completely replaced' route.  He never spoke of his worries and never even tried to be a part of what I was taking on.  And as far as my mouning of a dear friend - I was eventually told "I did not think it was THAT BIG of a deal for you".  Long story short, not even two months after her passing he made a few comments to my late friends husband along the lines of 'youre stupid if you cant see she (referring to me) likes you' and walked away from his family after handing over his key to another man. Within 2 weeks time he was in a full blown relationship. Not sure if it was fluke or planned, but this little GF was treated like a queen. Better than I have been spoiled, thats for sure. In fact he took her out to SeaWorld and came home with credit cards MAXED OUT. We never did any sort of family vacation unless you count driving to see his family.  Meanwhile,  I was barely making the bills to my home.  Out of guilt and gratitude from all my help with his children Todd offered to cover all he could in exchange for the two extra rooms within my home.

Ever since this happened late 2009, I have been slowly losing myself in small segments.  First my financial independence, then my sense of privacy due to all the family interactions of the household, then it turned its eyes to my self esteem and image, as I had begun to process what the prior 3 months REALLY entailed.

This crap is a touchy subject so I will have to finish it later (again).

...... has to be better than my past.