Dealing With The Loss Of A Loved One

Recently a few Tools Members have been dealing with a significant loss as a loved one has pass on.  This is a heart wrenching occurrence and only time and support can resolve and comfort.  I would like to offer my deepest condolences and to let you know that the community and I are thinking about you all and are behind you.

Almost three years ago a very good and dear friend of my family passed away.  An amazing woman and real spirit that I admired.  When this happened I took the time to reach out to her son and express some thoughts about her and how one might try and think about loss.

I have changedthe names and also edited out some personal references but the substance of the letter and the ideas are intact.  I would like to share this letter with you and I hope this helps to some small degree with the idea of loss.  I also hope you share this with anyone who may need these ideas and thoughts.

                                                February 22, 2004

Dear John,

I wanted to reach out to you and express my condolences.

Through the years our two families have been inner-

connected.  Although my time with you and your mother

was limited, I have always held the experience in fond Memory.

I remember very clearly sitting around my parent’s dinning-

table in East Hampton with you, your mother and my family

telling jokes for hours.  It was a fun and vibrant evening.  I

also remember clearly the next day meeting on the beach, and

how your mother was discussing important issues with you. 

There was such a strong connection between the two of you as the

energy bounced back and forth.  I watched words spoken

without sound.  A level of understanding that existed only

between the two of you.

Over the years I had a few more experiences with your mother,

And I always admired her strength and determination.  She was

so proud of you and wanted to share that with everyone. I really

liked her style.  It’s an amazing gift to have parents with that level

of support for you.  I know this as I have that connection with my

parents as well.  It makes you feel as though you can accomplish

anything. It also provides a comfort that cannot be spoken as you

feel that there is always this energy dedicated to you well being.

I waited to send you this letter, as at first when going through

such significant loss, there are no words that comfort or that

really can be absorbed and realized.  The stages of grief cannot

be avoided and in the case of you and your mother’s connection

even more so.

However, there comes a time that grief can be turned to comfort

and I wanted to share a though that might provide some.  I

always believe our experience is determined by what we choose

to think about.  If we concentrate on what we don’t have,

(our loss) we experience nothing but pain.  If we remember what

we had, then we are never at a loss.

The truth is that, “Energy cannot be created or destroyed.” 

That energy that your mother dedicated to you is always here. 

It lives on with you always.  It still can comfort and inspire you. 

You and me both are lucky to have parents that gave us that, it is an

endless gift and it is always there for us.  Turn your thoughts to

that and live in the style that your mother always inspired you to.

As we grow older and develop our own lives we spend less time

with our parents.  Regardless of the time we spend together, we

are always comforted by the feeling we have of their love for us. 

Keep that feeling alive and with you.  It is not about her being physically

here, but remaining with you spiritually.

Be well John, all the best as my heart goes out to you.  I also wanted to

take a moment and congratulate you on all you have done and all your

life has brought you, success, marriage, a baby, all the rewards that

you deserve and that your mother wanted for you.

I wish you the best and hope that I have provided something of

value.  If you are ever in my neck of the woods, give me a call,

maybe we can share a few laughs again.

From the heart,

                                                                        Devlyn Steele

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Tags: Death, Loss, grief, suffering, open letter