toolstolife.com - en-us http://toolstolife.com// toolstolife.com - A Brief History http://toolstolife.com/users/CocaCola/blog/viewpost/8279/ First off, I would like to thank all those who took the time to respond to my first blog without being judgmental.  I really wasn't sure how people were going to respond to an addiction like masturbation and porn.  Most people would call me a pervert...maybe even a sexual predator or something.  Sexual satisfaction is probably only a small part of what I get out of masturbating...most of the time.  That is surely why I began masturbating, which was shortly after my family bought our 1st computer nearly 10 years ago.  No...to be honest, I STARTED much younger than that.  I started using pornography soon after we got our 1st computer.  It probably didn't become an usual habit until I was maybe 16-17...I can remember being sick because I played football with bronchitis and it developed into pneumonia. I got to stay home from school and sleep in the basement all week, next to the computer.  At night, after my parents were asleep, I would sneak online and talk to girls in chat rooms and look at porn.  I would be up until 4am, but then I could sleep all day and my parents just thought I was really sick and recovering.  I developed friendships online, and then when I got my first real serious girlfriend I would stop talking the online girls.  My senior year in High School I had a very serious relationship with a very cruel, very immature younger girl. She made me feel terrible about my body. And when we broke up, I was devastated.  That led to a period of time when I being having mild erectile dysfunction problems.  I saw a urologist, and he told me it was all in my head.  It took me a long time to work thought that.  I lost my virginity to my first girlfriend in college.  In all honesty, it was a pretty terrible experience, and that relationship ended traumatically as well.  She had been raped when she was 16, and never dealt with the event or the consequences of the event.  I bought my first computer the following year and began meeting girls in chat rooms and masturbating to porn again.  This time I continued to do it despite being in real relationships. 

 

No brief relationship history would be complete without mentioning my girlfriend I had my junior year in college.  She was another younger girl, but she had a certain maturity I was very attracted to.  We had a great, interesting, loving relationship...up until what I see now as the single most traumatic experience of my life.  It was Halloween, and she was partying with her friends and I with mine, but I got too drunk and couldn't meet up with her later as we had planned to.  That night she blacked out and was raped by her ex boyfriend.  I literally did not eat or sleep for 4 days after she told me.  There was nothing I could do about it.  I loved her...she was hurting as bad as I was.  I hated the fact that I loved her so much.  She made me promise her I wouldn't go after the guy, and if she hadn't I was seriously contemplating killing him.  I BRIMMING with hate.  Every OUNCE of my being wanted to kill him...to some how get revenge, to take back all the happiness he had stolen from us.  I felt that way for months...and it was exhausting.  Needless to say, this completely changed our relationship and us as people.  It was at this point, I really started to use porn and masturbation as a outlet for stress and sexual frustration.  It felt good...and I could go mentally numb while doing it. I didn't have to think about all the hate and feeling....for a while at least.  It was the only way I knew how to deal with it.  As I'll explain later, I am a talker.  That is how I deal with hardship and make decisions.  I talk to people...sometimes anyone who will listen.  That night on Halloween, I was completely alone in the world.  I couldn't talk to ANYBODY about it, because I still loved her and it was private and because there were a lot of things about that night that were her fault and I didn't want anybody else to judge her.  My friends and family already had a hard enough time accepting her.  Masturbation became my way of dealing with stress. 

 

So yes, there are some deeper underlying causes here.  I know this.  I not just obsess with "lookin' at ur titties" or any of that kinda thing, although that is admittedly nice.  There may be  some other underlying reasons I chose porn or chat rooms instead of food or alcohol, but I might talk about those later. 

 

This addiction really began to manifest itself as a rampant problem after that relationship ended.  I was living alone and dealing with a lot of depression and loneliness.  I then spent some time abroad living in England and continued my bad habit
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