Well, they say the first step in getting better is admitting you have a problem, and I have a very big problem. I am caught in the grips of a secret addiction, and I have been for many years now. It still seems crazy to realize that I've been on in this way for so long now. It is now a greater part of who I am than nearly everything else that makes me, me. I've done this longer than my current relationship...longer than my college career...nearly as long as I can remember during my young adult/ formative years. Its not alcohol, drugs, or even food. Its pornography and masturbation. I am a porno addict. It still sounds weird as I write it. Like it is some joke. "oh, hes such a porno addict." like off some teen movie or something. It has negatively effected nearly every portion of my life...and not a single person on this earth knows about it, besides strangers. I've tired to quit many times before. Cold turkey. By getting away from computers. Uninstalling AIM countless times. I've even been to therapy for it. I stopped going because the whole treatment was to record how long I did it and then try to lessen it. I don't want to lessen it. I want it eradicated. And I don't want to lessen it because a therapist told me to. I want to do it for me, and for my future, and for those I love that will never know this hell I'm going through. I can't stop. And there is no AA for chronic masturbators. There is no out reach. No support. This online, anonymous group is my only good chance for help. Please don't judge me if you are reading this. The biggest problem is that I have been so DAMNED successful despite my disease, that I haven't hit rock bottom yet. But it makes me sick to think of all the things I could have accomplished if I didn't spend HOURS nearly every day masturbating. I found this site a few months ago, but was going on a long trip, so I put off joining. After spending literally the entire day yesterday in front of my computer, I decided it was time to join. Time to stop all this. I woke up at 8am on MLK day yesterday, got on my computer with the intention of doing work, and found myself at 10pm, still masturbating, with next to no work done. THE ENTIRE DAY. I turned down my room mate's invitation to the gym, I didn't go into work like I said I was going to, I didn't even make time to call my girlfriend. I barely found time to eat. I put it off, rationalizing that since I wasn't doing anything active, I probably shouldn't eat either. The worst part is that I know better than all this. I am a fairly smart, rational guy. But I am very weak. I can't do this alone. I hope to God this is the answer I've been looking for, because I literally fear this addiction will lead to my death. I would say that, short of like necrophilia or something, this is the least socially acceptable form of addiction. Alcoholism, drug abuse, even straight sex addiction...I would welcome any of this if I didn't have to carry this hidden cross for the rest of my life. Has anyone else ever dealt with this kind of addiction?
