"And as we all play parts of tomorrow,
some ways will work and other ways we'll play.
But I know we all can't stay here forever,
so I want to write my words on the face of today." - Shannon Hoon, Blind Melon
Ever hear the song? It's a great song! Ironically, the lyricist decided to indulge in the pleasures of drugs and unfortunately died because of it. One of my four books I picked up on my shopping day was a book by Noah Levine called Against the Stream. For anyone interested in philosophy, I highly suggest giving it a read.
Today's blog is going to be all over the place. I'm attempting to address things as they come up in my mind so that I can end my day with a sense of accomplishment; at least spiritually/mentally. A friend of mine, who knows kinda what I'm going through, asked me today how it is that I'm keeping my shit together. She busted out a list of all the things that aren't fair, aren't humane, etc. and asked me how it is that I'm not completely losing my mind. The only answer I could think of was that life was catching up with me. This comment completely confused her because she has known me for almost half my life, and by her recollection, there wasn't anything she remembers me doing that could have equated my life being the mess it is right now. My explanation is that for the past 31 odd years, I haven't experienced any real hardships. I had a childhood devoid of money (aka: we were dirt poor), but I got to miss all the things that most people got to go through. I didn't have any divorces to deal with, I had no major deaths because most of my extended relatives were too far away to have a real relationship with and as far as grandparents go, they had already passed. Life is a series of hardships filled with pain (physical and emotional), and the inequities we bestow upon each other. There is no such thing as life happening to you. Life is just happening. I'm just not taking this shit personal. It doesn't mean that I enjoy the stuff that is happening. It also doesn't mean that I'm disregarding the things happening. It just means I'm accepting that this is happening right here and now. It will all pass.
What makes our experiences so difficult to process is that at the moment they are occurring, we forget that life is all about change; there is no permanence in life. I touched on it yesterday, but control is the pursuit of trying to maintain a sense of power; to wield the elements of life. As Levine put it in his book, "to seek out pleasure and averse pain and suffering." But a full life consists of both the moments of great pleasure and great pain. If we escape that which pains us, do we ever fully grasp the pleasure and how we need to appreciate those moments?
I'll jump to a topic that brings me great pleasure since I felt I spoke enough about my aversion to pain. My (ex) wife is under the impression that enough money will bring her the elements in her life that are lacking. But how much does it cost to bring about a genuine smile? When you bring about that moment of a genuine smile, knowing that you are the procuring cause of that smile, how does that make you feel? Can you put a price tag on that? I bring smiles to my daughter because I have tattoos on my fingers that are like whiskers. When I put them up to my face, it looks like I have a fu man chu, and the kiddo starts laughing so hard that she loses her breath. BTW, I use the same technique at the gym when I see an attractive female. Haven't tried it at the bars yet, but I intend to when my current nightmare draws to a close. But when a woman uses those facial muscles to exhibit those pearly whites, followed by a demure giggle, is there anything that can match that in terms of something you can buy at Nordstroms? Whew! Got to appreciate those moments!
So I hope everyone takes advantage of the day and writes their words on the face of today.