Today is the day that most people choose to undertake new ventures and improve the unsatisfying aspects of their lives. Like most things that we arbitrarily decide to improve, we neglect the importance of consistency and our good intentions fall by the way side.
But for the majority of the day, I reflected on love. When you fall out of love, it's such a traumatic event. It reverts back to the feeling that I discussed previously about the dismantling of the self that takes place. But I had to examine if it was truly love that was being dissected from my being. Throughout the day, I got texts, phone calls, emails from all these people that knew about my life predicament and they just wanted to let me know that I was in their thoughts. I spent the majority of the day with my kid, and even though I hear it everyday in passing, she has no qualms to let me know that she loves her daddy. So is my life really lacking in the department of love? No. It is lacking in the sector that we all enjoy; passion. Passion is such a motivating emotion. It occupies your thoughts when you are engulfed in it's caress. It heightens your senses to the point where you can recall all the elements that make up that specific memory for your recall. It's exhilarating. We all have different thresh holds of our ability to recall that passion. For some, like myself, the aromatic essence, beyond the perfume and lotion of a female is intoxicating. The way my fingertips can brush across her skin and the warmth I feel is comforting. The times when you randomly awaken in the middle of the night to see her neck and her pulse as her juggular vein moves in unison with her heart is enlightenment. And when you place your somewhat awkward lips and cause her to giggle ever so slightly from your meager attempt at romance is what you fiend for when you are abandoned by that same person.
Passion causes the madness that brews when you reflect on all these things that you have now been forced to lose. It eclipses all the things that you do have. It makes you forget what it is that is in front of you.
My purpose in following what it is you have to offer in your teachings is not enlightenment. I view enlightenment like the first time I got laid. It's wonderful. In that moment, it encompasses all; the meaningful, the meager, the mundane. But as soon as that release is completed, the horrors as well as the menial, and wonderful all fall back into place. All is forced to recenter themselves. With my time left, I don't want to seek the material. I don't want immortality, but at the same time, I also have that need where I don't want to be forgotten. Is that even an answer as to what life is about? I have wants to not want.
As with everyone else, I have "goals" as to what I wish to have changed. More than those goals, I just want to make it out of this alive. I want to make it out of this part of life with some semblance of compassion and hope that I come out a little more grounded.
To the New Year.