As I sit at this computer, 3AM the emptiness that surrounds me in my chosen solitude.
Things begin to become clear I reach out with myself to the extremities of my apartment... beyond my physical reach... I become aware of this space that has protected me, held my fury and my pain, my joy and my loneliness. I realize that it has become to small for me yet again. I truly have become bigger then this place, this space.
What has pained me for so long is passing quickly away... my anger has finally served its purpose, it has allowed me to claw my way back from the oblivion that I have spent so much of my life heading deeper into.
Simply a choice to do better no matter where that choice takes me, who I run into, who are to be my teachers in this time of transition. I unfortunately have not found comfort on this path from people physically close to me. I have reached out and I have been cast asside.
I have steadily faced my failures, mistakes, ignorance, and what amounts to pure stupidity much of the time. I grasp my mistakes in my hand, I hold them up to the world to say look... look at this horrible disaster that has become my life. No I may not have broken laws, or harmed anyone out of malace.
But what I have done is denied my self, denied my self to such a insane degree that my body and the very cells that give me power to create in the moment, to move to be and do.... took it away, took it ALL away from me. The possessions that I have kept I am finding to be of less and less value as the days pass... even the ones that I fought so vehemently to protect I am seeing that their time in my life has come to an end. Of course in protecting them, I have proven at least to my self, that I will not give up in the face of the most hopeless circumstances.
I have chosen to not harm the people I come across in my journey as I have been harmed. I hated the way I have been treated... the calousness that I have seen from the people that are PAID to help simply because they CAN do it. With but 20 dollars in my pocket with less then a couple weeks before I was evicted the first time, I found my self face to face with someone who had given up... a guy old enough to be my grandfather... carrying a few things around in a case... not knowing if he was going to get a meal... afraid he was going to not make it in time to the shelter.
I bought him a meal rather then make him wait for "when ever"... several days it had been since he had eaten. I have seen the people that have recently found themselves in this situation... they are not cheery, or pleasant. They do not plead ignorance or pitty. The just say screw it and ask.
Even in that moment he was afraid to "take advantage" and didn't even make use of the amount I had available to give at the time. Two hot dogs and a fountain drink... that was all... he would take no more. He said he couldn't believe how good it tasted...
The smile on his face... I wish I could have given more... I wish I knew how to do more for him. But the chance to do that is gone... its been over a year since that day... 118degrees the sun blazing down. I could only tell him about somethings that I knew of that might help him get himself back into housing and employment. And talking to him I saw him to begin to stand a little straighter.
If he did finally give up... it wasn't that day.
Sitting here... knowing that I will transition into new housing no matter what. I know who to talk to, I have financial assistance from the county. BUT STILL
I feel helpless to help others who have found themselves in my situation. TOO LONG have I sat incapacitated by improper healthcare, bad choices in relationships, and ignorance.
I yearn to do more, to help people who have so little and are having their worlds collapse down around them... unreliable transportation, lack of food. Yes I have been lucky these past couple years that I had family that helped me the way they did. BUT at the same time... I have been denied the ability to give anything else to the world. To be bound up within the confines of this apartment, lacking the resources to make even a remotely beneficial contribution to society.
THIS MUST NOT CONTINUE!
What do I bring this world? That is a question I now ask of my self, what latent abilities have been left to languish and atrophy over the past 20 years?
So much needs to be done but I lack the framework to build within. The ability to understand that which will make the most difference from now into the future.
Yes I can sit around and work on little creative projects.. and hobby like projects. To self induldge in things that will pull me further away from what has brought me joy and has given me any sense of actually making a difference.
But... I had forgotten, the pain in his eyes, and the pain that I had seen in so many others. I have seen such a lack of compassion it scares me. I cannot believe I had forgotten! How much of my mind had been destroyed? How much have I lost? How much will I need to face of my past?
So much more... I will face it all until this paralysis has been removed from my existence. I will not rest until the moment I have an urge to create something... the picture becomes clear in my mind I simply start grabbing what ever is available.
I assembled a boat and sail out of twigs from the tree in the yard and cereal boxes from the trash... my mother angry at the mess I was making, but I kept digging. "taking" or "stealing" what ever I needed to make manifest what I felt and saw within.
I craved adulthood, I craved to be 30 when I was just a child... playing on the floor in the old mobile home. To finally show them that lack of responsibility was NOT fun.. but horribly empty and pointless. I so yerned to have the tools and skills that would allow me to create the vivid images that infused my mind. The creations that were rolling around in my brain.
I did not know then how bad things were... even here in the US... but do I deny my self once again to help others? Do I deny what put me here? Do I deny the very gifts that will allow me to help the people that need it most? No... but wait.
They need help now... but I need help as well. They are so far where the suffering is at its worst... but then again.. the suffering is now right next door. If find my self powerless to stop this cascade of personal and governmental failure that has plauged this area for so long. "Its not my job".
How many lawsuits is it going to take before people start to wake up? Would it even matter? This MUST NOT CONTINUE!
WHAT DO I BRING TO THIS WORLD?
