Today is my first full day without smoking. Yes, on the third - it's close enough. I pretty much said screw it and moved towards finishing what I had left in my pack on the first. Yesterday I had 2 left, so I smoked one on my way to work. I went all day at work yesterday without a smoke, although I was tempted (more out of wanting distraction than nicotine) but didn't cave. I smoked the final cigg in my pack as I drove home from work and told myself that was it. It's hard to stay convinced, because it's so easy to think up the same excuses I've had for years now - I've even come up with new ones... for example I told myself if I caved I'll get the grossest possible brand, to discourage myself. I guess even that isn't new - that's how I switched from menthols to marlboro lights.
I'm good at trying to give myself loopholes, but I really don't want to fail this time. I haven't made quitting smoking my new years resolution for years now. I'm not even sure if I just gave up on myself... or if I genuinely was just too lazy to pretend I didn't want to smoke. Either way, I know I've got to do it. I got a great book about quitting smoking and addiction, it's called 'The Easy Way to Stop Smoking' by Allen Carr, and even my boyfriend likes to read it he's a non smoker - it really is a well written book that addresses addiction in a simple, clear way. I bought the book months ago, and tried to keep reading it but the closer I got to the end, the more it was just the boy needing to beg to read it aloud to me - I stopped reading it on my own all together because I knew I didn't want to get to the end of the book and have to quit smoking. I'll bet there's not much more than a chapter left, if that. I'm ALMOST done, but just didn't want to commit that much. It's silly. All the excuses and roundabout things I do to feed into my rationalization of my addiction. A great quote from the book is 'The whole business of smoking is like wearing tight shoes just to experience the pleasure you feel when you take them off'.
Anyway, today I decided I could go all day at work again. I did alright not having my morning cigg, and after last night I had convinced myself I wouldn't really miss my driving home smoke either - and it went just fine. My motto for today, and probably the next month or however long it takes (which my friend Nicole suggested, said it's what she did) which is to say to myself 'I did it this long, I can do it another day'. I did so good yesterday, I already made it though the two smokes I had then. I didn't smoke all night, I can do that again. And if I can remember to remind myself of that and just force myself to stop, I will be so proud of myself!
I think that will give me some confidence to work towards other goals and things that I have been procrastinating on, also. Overcoming this is the biggest hurdle for me. In my mind at least - because since I started 11 years ago I have never once quit for more than 4 days at a time. I'm a quarter of the way to making past that, and I'll just play around on this nifty site when I want to smoke. I do really believe I am gonna do it this time, and while I told a few people, I am not even trying to build up this huge support system about it, like I have done (total hype) in the past - I'm just GONNA DO IT! And then I'm gonna start checking off the rest of my list of goals, I'll be adding them into the site when I'm having cravings.
Which I have been having, don't get me wrong. Got stressed after going to the 'rents last night and really wanted to break down on the way home. Could have pulled into the gas station but made the split second decision to hold out, and I'm glad because now I'm here... on day 1 and I'm really doing it! I might have just kept putting it off, like I've managed to do for so long already. Now though, my stubborn streak has kicked in and I'm determined to do it FOR REAL this time.
I'm gonna go make some phone calls but I'm sure there will be plenty of craving time later I can spend blogging about this subject, I could go on for ages but I'll cut it short for now. I will add though that I think today I'm eating more than normal. I'm keeping it healthy, per some other goals and stuff I'm working on - but I find myself wanting to much so luckily I dug up some hard sour mango candies and now am making my way through those. Will have to keep candies or suckers or something around for now I think. I hope I don't gain any weight from this! If I gain a few, I can work it off and will still feel better being rid of my nasty habit.
But I'm telling myself screw that, I'll just eat healthy and not gain. That's a better plan. And on that note I think I am going to go do a little working out, or at least dance around before I go to bed. I have to stay focused. It's hard to do that when you want to go a million directions at once (i.e. avoid cravings, keep in contact with everyone, keep up with life in general, keep up with working, working out, blahblahblah) no wonder I like to sit down and have a smoke so often!
I am having more cravings today than I am used to ever having, which I guess is obvious - but nonetheless (sadly) sort surprising to me. Goes to show how unconscious the whole process becomes - I know it's yucky. I know I am stronger than the things I do. ;D
