"Non, je ne regrette rien" (I have no regrets)

I love Marlene Dietrich's soulful rendering of the song, "Non, je ne regrette rien."  As she defiantly sings, "No, I regret nothing," an undertone of powerful longing and pain colors her voice. Day 26 really addresses a core issue for me.  While I was sick from cancer and its treatments, I kept coming back to this excruciatingly painful thought - I really feel good about my professional achievement.  My greatest regret is that I didn't have the same satisfaction in a job well done as a mother and wife.  I prayed to live long enough to right the balance.  And here I am today, doing just that!

Oh, I have plenty of excuses for why I had difficulties on the domestic front.  They ruled me for years.  But today, especially today, I feel hopeful and confident that even as I am about to take on a new, highly responsible job, I will be able to do right by my family and myself. 

During my time away from work, I learned to take better care of my health and to set healthier boundaries about what was acceptable in my life.  Even when I was so hot to take the dream job, when my now supervisor told me the only time available for my salary negotiation was the next day, I told her I already had an appt. and asked her to come up with an alternate time.  My important appointment was with my 80 year old mother.  In the past, I'd have jumped to attention, rearranged my schedule and blown off my mother, my son, my husband, my friend in favor of work... No more. My time is valuable.  I will be totally responsible to my work, but no longer at my family's or my own expense.

Bottom line, we found a mutually agreeable appointment time, and I got the job at the salary I wanted. 

The other great learning that came to me during this time off, which was totally crystallized and reinforced in Day 26, was that I needed to treat my son, especially, no differently than I would treat people at work.  I was a pretty good boss.  I was generally upbeat, pleasant, fun to be around and I gave clear feedback about work that needed to be improved, by separating principles from personalities.  I was known for my objectivity. 

Total 180 at home. Noone has known how to push my buttons like my son, probably because my greatest weakness is my profound core feeling of insecurity about being a mother.  Amazing that a squalling toddler, child, now adolescent, could bring such an outwardly powerful women like me to her knees in pain, frustration, and fear, which then translated to panicky anger, rage and fury. No more.  At least, not nearly as easily, or as often.  I have worked so hard this year to let go of my anger and to replace it with understanding and appropriate setting of fair limits.  The piece today about managing anger and temper was something I so needed to hear to reinforce what I have been trying to do.

Interestingly, I feel like my work on my son's front is starting to pay off.  He is acting much less provocatively, and when he does, he is much easier to calm down.  He seems much more self confident than at this time last year.  He is overcoming some of his own fears and anxieties.  I attribute a good deal of this to his father's and my fabulous recoveries this past year from life-threatening illnesses.  I also attribute it to some pretty serious rethinking about how to deal with volatile moments.  Then, practising new ways of behaving in those moments. And I am learning patience.  His process is his process, and I cannot control his setbacks anymore than his successes.  And I am learning forgiveness, of him and myself, for the moments when we regress, forget our new resolves and go back to old patterns.  There's always another chance to make it right.

I have no regrets now, only hope, which is being reinforced daily as I work my Tools.

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Tags: no regrets, hope, balance, confidence