Give me a break!

No excuses. I know.  No complaints. I know. But, but, but... The day started out great, as we all know it always does, because we're all having a great day.  Boom. I am on call to my elderly mother, who is not sure whether she will need to go the ER today.  Of course, I am totally willing to do this.  My older sib is working today and my younger sister is packing to work overseas for six months. Boom. My elderly mother in law calls.  She has fallen flat on her back.  My husband runs out to go help her.

Both moms are getting frailer and are in need of more and more care.  I love them both.  But, and this is not a complaint, exactly.  Ok, it is.  When am I going to get a bleeping break?  First we learn my son has a serious life-threatening chronic illness in '04, I am diagnosed with cancer in '05, my husband is diagnosed with a life-threatening illness in '06. 

We finally finish all the surgeries, treatments. We learn to manage ongoing care for our son. We take caring of our moms and their collective four hospitalizations and recoveries over the past winter through this spring. I land a fabulous job, which I basically applied for from the courtesy computer in the hospital while my husband was healing up from surgery in May!!! My husband has been doing mostly well, but both times we planned  our Celebration of Life party, he came down with another infection and we had to cancel. 

I am so, so, so grateful to be alive.  I am so grateful to have the strength and energy to even be able to think about helping our mothers, let alone able to be available to them.  I am so grateful that I have this new job starting next week.  But, darn it all, I was hoping to have a couple of day's grace between now and next Monday to spend some quality down-time with my family, after my son's last school day on Thursday.

So, how do I use Tools now to get me through?  I recite my gratitude list.  I say the Serenity Prayer.  I make sure I eat properly, sleep properly, get exercise, do 5-10 minutes to take care of something in the house.  I say affirmations.  Live in the moment. Don't project into the future.  Just take care of today. Right. I know.  I actually have already started on some of that. 

But first, let me acknowledge that I am frustrated, sad, angry - not at my mothers, but at this situation, scared, worried and upset. I'm just tired of not getting a break. Just a little break. Maybe a few days of respite from crushing responsibilities.  I try so hard to be a good daughter, wife, sister, mother, worker. It just feels so unfair today.

I know. Life is unfair sometimes.  And I know that I've had at least as good as I've had bad in my life. I am so grateful to be alive and have second, third, fourth and so on chances to get it right(er). But I just needed to vent, so I can get back on the horse and keep on keeping on.

I'm praying for strength, patience, and support to get through.  Even though I'm thrilled about my new job, of course I'm scared about taking on so much responsibility, being so exposed, so in the center of the action.  At the bottom of it all, even though I am doing everything I can to prevent this and do not want to give weight to this thought, you have to know I am afraid of not being well enough, not having the energy I used to, of getting sick again.  I so need to hold on to the possibility of peace, calm, wellness.

Sorry to go on for so long, but I do not want to get mowed under by circumstance as I have at times allowed myself to be in the past.  So, I publicly affirm the following:

I am healthy, fit and vibrant, with outstanding energy. I am confident, calm, loving, warm, peaceful and kind.  I know when to listen and when to contribute.  I have enough time to do everything I need to daily. I have ample time to do my Tools program, exercise, eat properly, do a fabulous job at work, spend time with my husband and son, take care of my household and financial chores, read, and smell flowers. I am able to do communicate peacefully with my husband and son, on a weekly basis, about how to divide the household chores fairly and hold one another accountable to their completion, without rancor. I live in a beautiful, clean, decluttered, well-appointed home.  I have ample money to afford what we need, get what we want, save for a new home, education and retirement and to be generous to causes I care about.

Kayla 

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Tags: frustration, difficulties, fear, hope, Visualization