i am hungry...
i need to get these damn cats fixed...muffin top jezebel is fukkin rowdy.
so sharing your number with strangers on post secret is insane...but i did it anyway and it is very liberating to send a secret and get a secret and the secrets i have gotten are so sad...and it makes me think how lucky i am...but then i wonder if the people who have gotten my secrets think how sad they are...
i didn't work out this morning and i feel guilty about skipping work and then i totally dont. i am exhausted....after that damn summer program that i worked my ass off for. every saturday and alot of friday nights. it was just too much for one person and it burned me out. then to have this woman come in with her obvious agenda and just wreak havoc...well you know i just don't have time for this bs. i need something mindless and a little numbing so i can rest.
work really sux right now. the new boss is on a one way trip to 'destroy all former programs' but let's not tell anyone and maybe they won't figure it out. i am so out of here in dec. i decided to give it a go and not take that other job...but now i am just unhappy. so i will be trying to go back to the public schools in january. i need to fill out those applications.
i feel like i am getting so fat i can't recognize my face anymore.
i am so tired and depressed all the time with just so many things going on in my world. everyday i am fighting it. i will not allow myself to go down the same road i did all those years ago. maybe i do need meds to just get me over the hump until i get the new job and get settled in...by summer i should be able to get off the meds and just enjoy my vacation...
time...oh sweet time that i waste with a vengeance. yet i never feel like i have enough time. i don't make time. i crave time. i wonder if it ties in to my emotionality with all this work shit and love shit and life shit (uh hellooooo helen of course it does...sheesh!).
i think i am growing up and its just growing pains too. sometimes i lay in bed and laugh and cry and wonder who did i think i was fooling that i could do this all by myself?
the rice tasted fishy.
my house is a mess and i have no will to clean it. damn litter box...and i missed the trash this morning.
what am i going to do tomorrow in class...i have so much to do for these classes and i just want to sit and stare at my desk. lol ugh it feels pathetic to be in a job and just going thru the motions that never bothered you before but now seem like such a chore.
on a good note the only times i do feel some semblance of normalcy is standing there teaching or when i have a student in my office. so i know that is what my calling and my peace is. i just need to get to a better place to act out my mission.
i have this weird vision of becoming a personal coach. but then i think about how i can't get my shit together yet can tell others how to get theirs together and it is just laughable how i know EXACTLY what i need to do to get to where i want to be and i won't take the steps to get there.
what am i afraid of?
part of all this is moving forward in my life plan and seeing a baby on the horizon and how close all of that is getting. i think i am perhaps freaking out a little thinking i should have it all together before i try and bring a kid into the mix. but honestly when are you ever really ready?
but i know that i need a better paying job with more vacations and more benefits...hence going back to public ed and more stability...and i need to work on getting my body ready...working out, losing some poundage, lowering my bp and cholesterol, getting off the pill, taking vitamins, taking a break from smoking.
i am working on some of these...i started doing a basic workout in the morning, drinking my water, cooking alot more and trying to eat healthier, taking my lunch to work. i need to cut out fast food and sodas...but i just love taco bell so much!
i want to start walking at work again but at the end of the day i am so aggravated and tired that i just want to go home. once i am home...i just want to veg out and forget my day. maybe if i just get home and change and go walk around the block once or twice that would help. i am giving myself 8 months to work on the physical...lose at least 30 pounds. i am stopping the pill in january to clear my system...starting the vitamins. come summer we will see what happens.
summer...oh my god to actually have a summer OFF...and not bust my ass working during the best time of the year. i crave this so much i can taste it every day. in my mind's eye i see myself actually having and taking the time to art...to create...paint, play with my clay, do projects with my friends...actually get my business off the ground...this is a shining beacon of hope that just keeps me counting down the weeks to the end of the semester...instead of walking off the job and sleeping until january.
my head is everywhere nowadays. work takes up most of my attention. i am not sleeping...stress is taking its toll on me. i have been cutting out on work alot...but you know i have the sick leave so i am taking it...fuck it! if she doesn't like it she can fire me...but she won't because she needs me to teach these classes. its a horrid logic but very true and i am leaving anyway. why do i want to work at a place where i am so uptight that i am waking up at 3 am every sunday night unable to go back to sleep because i have to go back to work monday morning?
my immunity is down, my allergies are terrible. my emotions are down...you know the only times i feel like myself are when i'm working with kids like i said earlier, hanging with my friends and laughing, when i am with my bf, when i cook and when i am engaged in either reading or arting.
that is my list of things to make me happy...so i need to get to a point where those are the only things i do.
happy thoughts and prayers appreciated.
L.
