I was just speaking to someone about the "advice" question. When do you give advice? I use to say, "when someone asks for it?" Now I realize that people give advice automatically, because they are use to people wanting advice WITHOUT asking for it.
I have noticed that people are not too clear on their needs. My friend wrote me this very sad and anxious e-mail about her job. She did not ask specifically for advice, but I could read between the lines and see that is what she wanted. I told her how I would handle her situation. We have a two-way street about how we navigate each other.
Now I love her perceptions about people and I love to share my perceptions with her. So when I met this new friend, I explained the situation and asked her what she thought. We were insynch about the new friend, but she was not giving me advice. She was telling me her perceptions of the new friend. She gave me an outsider's unbiased view that I did not have since I was in the situation.
I like to hear peoples' ideas and perceptions to see if what I am seeing is accurate. For example, I got stressed about the ex-boyfriend lying about me, because I had been stalked by my ex-husband's current wife, which I had to go to court for. That experience rattled me quite a bit and I have always been sensitive to other peoples' space since then. That is probably why the ex-boyfriend lied about me like that. He knew about the situation with my ex-husband and wanted to hurt me. I was not answering his calls or his book drop so he found a way to hurt me indirectly.
See our feelings are very connected to past associations and can be tricky. When we trust another, we give them the tools to hurt as well as care for us. It's a real balancing act to make friends and intimates without being fearful or too open. In the past, I have always been very open. You ask me a personal question and I will give you the unvarnished truth. You ask me about my ex-husband and I will tell the gory details.
This new guy asked me about my ex and I told him the truth, "I don't believe I was ever in love with my ex-husband and I can't remember much about him." I remember more about his current wife who harassed me than I do about my seven years with my ex-husband!
Back to the advice question, another thing about advice, it sometimes it reveals the advisor's insecurity. I picked up on this with the new friend. She was giving me unsolicited advice, because she felt insecure within herself and her relationship. The new friend is older than me and not in a great place in her life. It could be she feels threatened by a younger woman who is in control of her life.
This has happened a few times with me in the past, especially in work situations. I use to take it personally, but now I know it is a reflection of them and not me. No one is going to hide my light under a brushel to make them feel better ever again.
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