Okay I thought.  I should not go back out with him.  But still I was uneasy about it inside.  Knowing this may be the case, my friend reassured me, "you know there is a chemical released in a womans body when she makes love to a man.  This chemical makes her desire to be with this person, no matter how much of an asshole he may be." True again I thought.  I knew what I had to do.  Cease to continue my relationship with that person.  It had been a struggle, but since my birthday on June 28th, I hadn't contacted him.  

Today is July 3rd.  I have plans to go out at 10:30.  I'm going out with two beautiful girls my age, and we are going to someplace nice for drinks.  This is EXTREMELY out of the ordinary for me.  One is a collegue at work, and I'd like to 'be a part of the team' if you will.  She invited me to do something girls my age often do, and although her voice may be slightly shrill, and slightly grating, she seems to have a heart of gold.  Her intentions seem always to come from someplace pure, she's well educated, and booksmart, and she has a budding job in public relations in addition to the title she shares with me here.  Not the most practical person, a little to trusting and unguarded if I had to critique her, but who am I to critique?  I've been making bad relationship decisions and setting myself up for less than I am worthy of.  

Despite my plans tonight, Home from work with the house tidy, and dishes done, having made and eaten supper, done tools, checked my email and followed up on personal buisness, what did I want?  Company.  Keyvans company in particular.  Tomorrow is the 4th of July.  My Papa died on this day a few years ago, and it seems lonely to me even when I wasn't away from home since then.  Whewwww.  4th plans seem so relevant.  People seem to, for lack of usual conversation generators, at holidays, ask what you did for them and what you'll be doing.  I don't know is a fairly acceptable response until the day. Then something must occur.  And this something must be accounted for to several people who have no buisness or particular interest in knowing.  Bust.

(My early thirtysomething neighbors are being obnoxiously boisterous right now.  It's highly irritating.  I with they'd just quiet themselves.  I think the noise level these young urban professionals are exhuding is inappropriate and frankly embarrasing since I'm younger and never disturb them.  Why do people have age brackets on appartment mates.  Generalizations are so often erring.  Gah. )

 I typed K into my phone for Keyvan.  My finger slipped.  W came up.  W is the first letter of my fathers name.  I typed K in again, and W came up.  Maybe I should call Dad and ask his advice.  I did.  But he's the only one who seemed okay with my giving Keyvan a second chance, and considering his relationship turmoil, maybe that wasn't the wisest decision, but he's still my father and I still value his advice.  Dad said to call him.  To ask him what he was doing for the 4th, and nothing else.  Keyvan hasn't called me since my birthday either, possibly because of my response to his flirtation, which was to flee the scene for a half an hour.  I called.  Answering machine.  I didn't leave a message.  Calling Dad back, he said this gave me liscence to call back in 2 hours.  I did in an hour and a half, and a half hour later Keyvan, who is having a party for the 4th, and one of the people he flirted with at my birthday, because of their relationship to his roomate (girlfriends bestfriend)  will surely be there.  Keyvan said that he wasn't sure what he was doing on the 4th after all, and that he doesn't think it's a good idea to see one another anymore.  "I'm not feeling it." he said.  My brain sank down through my heart past my feet.  My heart sank through my brain and pulled it under me to the foundation of my building.  It layed there like a slug, or a pile of jello.  

I called Dad back and told him.  He said "At least now you know."  Yes now I know.  I know what I'd already known, only I had to wait until someone smacked me in the face with it like a raw chicken breast in front of a crowded room.  What the hell.  Ofcourse it was coming.  All these people had told me so.  I'd already known.  I ....... still slammed my head into that same wall again, and expected it not to hurt.  I'm insane.