I was eating dinner the other night with a brilliant and insightful friend of mine. We had been discussing my relationship with a man who flirted with other women in front of me on my birthday. I wasn't sure if I wanted to spend time with him anymore after that. My friend said to me, "Do you know what the definition of insanity is Amanda? It's when you do something over and over again, and get the same results, but keep doing it expecting something different. That's Einsteins definition, by the way."
Okay I thought. I should not go back out with him. But still I was uneasy about it inside. Knowing this may be the case, my friend reassured me, "you know there is a chemical released in a womans body when she makes love to a man. This chemical makes her desire to be with this person, no matter how much of an asshole he may be." True again I thought. I knew what I had to do. Cease to continue my relationship with that person. It had been a struggle, but since my birthday on June 28th, I hadn't contacted him.
Today is July 3rd. I have plans to go out at 10:30. I'm going out with two beautiful girls my age, and we are going to someplace nice for drinks. This is EXTREMELY out of the ordinary for me. One is a collegue at work, and I'd like to 'be a part of the team' if you will. She invited me to do something girls my age often do, and although her voice may be slightly shrill, and slightly grating, she seems to have a heart of gold. Her intentions seem always to come from someplace pure, she's well educated, and booksmart, and she has a budding job in public relations in addition to the title she shares with me here. Not the most practical person, a little to trusting and unguarded if I had to critique her, but who am I to critique? I've been making bad relationship decisions and setting myself up for less than I am worthy of.
Despite my plans tonight, Home from work with the house tidy, and dishes done, having made and eaten supper, done tools, checked my email and followed up on personal buisness, what did I want? Company. Keyvans company in particular. Tomorrow is the 4th of July. My Papa died on this day a few years ago, and it seems lonely to me even when I wasn't away from home since then. Whewwww. 4th plans seem so relevant. People seem to, for lack of usual conversation generators, at holidays, ask what you did for them and what you'll be doing. I don't know is a fairly acceptable response until the day. Then something must occur. And this something must be accounted for to several people who have no buisness or particular interest in knowing. Bust.
(My early thirtysomething neighbors are being obnoxiously boisterous right now. It's highly irritating. I with they'd just quiet themselves. I think the noise level these young urban professionals are exhuding is inappropriate and frankly embarrasing since I'm younger and never disturb them. Why do people have age brackets on appartment mates. Generalizations are so often erring. Gah. )
I typed K into my phone for Keyvan. My finger slipped. W came up. W is the first letter of my fathers name. I typed K in again, and W came up. Maybe I should call Dad and ask his advice. I did. But he's the only one who seemed okay with my giving Keyvan a second chance, and considering his relationship turmoil, maybe that wasn't the wisest decision, but he's still my father and I still value his advice. Dad said to call him. To ask him what he was doing for the 4th, and nothing else. Keyvan hasn't called me since my birthday either, possibly because of my response to his flirtation, which was to flee the scene for a half an hour. I called. Answering machine. I didn't leave a message. Calling Dad back, he said this gave me liscence to call back in 2 hours. I did in an hour and a half, and a half hour later Keyvan, who is having a party for the 4th, and one of the people he flirted with at my birthday, because of their relationship to his roomate (girlfriends bestfriend) will surely be there. Keyvan said that he wasn't sure what he was doing on the 4th after all, and that he doesn't think it's a good idea to see one another anymore. "I'm not feeling it." he said. My brain sank down through my heart past my feet. My heart sank through my brain and pulled it under me to the foundation of my building. It layed there like a slug, or a pile of jello.
I called Dad back and told him. He said "At least now you know." Yes now I know. I know what I'd already known, only I had to wait until someone smacked me in the face with it like a raw chicken breast in front of a crowded room. What the hell. Ofcourse it was coming. All these people had told me so. I'd already known. I ....... still slammed my head into that same wall again, and expected it not to hurt. I'm insane.
comments
Not insane... learning from experience
Oh MandaZie, this all sounds very difficult and disheartening, in this moment. But it's just in this moment in time. In Day 41, Coach talks about how life is a poker game. We're not in charge of what cards we are dealt, but we can control our reactions to them.
MandaZie, from what I can tell of you, you are a beautiful, sensitive, thoughtful and mature young woman. I think Keyvan did you a service by letting you go. Other men have been known to hold onto a woman who cares for them and start up new relationships at the same time. Think of how that would have stung even worse. If he really was thoughtless enough to flirt on your birthday, then he wasn't right for you. If you think he let you go, because he was upset by your confrontation of him, well then, ok. Please don't take this all as a rejection of you. Perhaps it would help to reframe the experience as one of liberation and learning.
If you are insane, then I think all of humanity is. Who hasn't lost in love? Who hasn't been hurt? Only the loneliest hermits on earth who have never ventured out and allowed themselves to be vulnerable and open enough to let love in. You are already feeling bad enough about the events that occurred, please don't heap negative self-judgment and second-guessing into the mix.
When you are able, try to look back on this experience with objectivity and see what you can learn from it, then move on. Maybe it would be a good time to think of some relationship Personal Laws.
My relationship Personal Laws when I was in the dating scene - over 20 years ago - were:
There are other personal laws, which in retrospect perhaps I should have set, but didn't. Who knows. I'm married nearly 21 years now. Not every bit of my marriage has been a picnic, but whose has? My husband has stuck by me through thick and thin (and vice-versa) and we are still able to have a blast together out on the dance floor.
Not insane...only human.
Dear MandaZee,
I believe Kayla has given some very wise council, as well as your friend.
I wish I had known to have my own personal laws many years ago, as well as setting healthy boundaries. I could have spared myself a lot of grief.
I believe life will teach us many things if we are open to learning them. So I have always tried to take away some lesson from each experience I have had.
You say you are lonely and that is a perfectly normal emotion, especially on holidays.
I am very fortunate in that I have learned to be completely comfortable with being alone with myself.
You seem like a very intelligent, insightful young woman. Perhaps one day you will see that being alone with yourself is not such a bad thing. And that you do not need any one else to validate you......except yourself.
I was given some very good advice recently that I have been using.
I thought I was ready for a relationship, I certainly wanted one. But I was advised to spend my energy on becoming the person I would like to meet instead. And that is what I am doing.
I want someone honest, so I am learning to be honest....with myself. (I never have a problem being honest with others...only honest with myself).
I want someone kind, so I am becoming kinder to others.
I want someone compassionate, so I am learning to be compassionate to others.
I am developing in myself all the characteristics that I want to find in someone. After all, if I deserve someone wonderful, so does he.
This has taken the focus off of looking (which I have no control over) and putting it on myself (where I do have control). This has brought peace to my heart and I feel content in a way I never have before.
I am not sure any of this will help or even apply to you, but my heart told me I needed to share it with you.
I am so sorry you were treated so poorly. Remember though, that is a reflection of him, not of you.
Your worth, your value is not determined by others, it is determined by you.
If you place a high value on yourself, others will too.
My heart is sending your heart a hug.
Beverly