Today I am a separated father of one 14-year-old son. In the near future I will be divorced and "living on my own" for the first time in my life. Most likely it will be with my son...but never 'by myself' before. I'm excited and nervous about this prospect. 

I’m 38-years-old, my father was an alcoholic. He left my mother when I was 3. He was absent a lot blowing off custody days frequently. Through out most of my younger years I would only see him, maybe, once a month, at the most. Except for holidays or birthdays, it would usually be in a bar. Looking back now I know my mother was depressed for decades. She spent a number of years rarely leaving our apartment. She became over-dependant on me.

Spent my teenage years and high school with a small group of friends at school, but never really did anything outside of school with anybody. One school dance, one or two parties, one ‘girlfriend’ for a couple months; mostly kept to myself at home building a wall of comic-books around me. Never had any self-confidence, never felt like I “belonged”.   At 17 started looking at porn, (a lot!!)

At 16 I went to work for my Dad and Grandfather at the family business. Met my future wife a few years later there. She went to work somewhere else a few years later. We married in ’95 had our son in ’96 and my wife became a stay-at-home-mom, while I got a second job. All the time I was secretly buying comics & toys and hiding them at work, and still looking at porn (you only look at porn for one reason). Never feeling “in the mood” when I was home, put the first strain on my wife’s and my relationship.

The business had not been in the best of shape for a while, Dad (at the bar a lot), Gramps, other family put in very few hours, fell on me a lot. In ’98 (three weeks before Christmas) I stayed home from work one day to help with our son who was running a 105-degree fever, my father called and said I “needed to get in there”. Turns out the next day they were closing the doors and filing bankruptcy. No notice, no warning. Also, medical had not been paid for months and because of that ‘Cobra’ did not to be offered. Needless to say that was the last time I spoke to anyone on that side of my family. I did sell off everything I had at work (I’d sold some when we got married and told my wife I kept some & was trading for any new stuff).

Started a new job, better job, with better pay a month later. We bought a condo in late ’99 and a house in ’01. In 2000 my wife became reunited with some old girlfriends, made some new friends, and started getting her own social-life. I was freaking-out and started the porn again, and started buying & hiding comics & toys at work. By 2002 I’d felt in my head that my wife did not really want to be with me. I began talking to a woman at work, eventually deciding in my head I was going to leave my wife for this other woman. Fortunately, the other woman did not have any romantic feelings for me and guessed from things I’d said all along that I loved my wife very much. My wife found out, left for a few days, then, slowly, we began the reconciliation process (strain #2). I was not completely honest, but stopped the porn and buying & hoarding and started therapy.

The following year our first pet together (and my first pet ever) died, we had gotten her before we married. I started the porn & buying again. My wife found out about the porn and we fought and I upped the frequency of therapy (strain #3). Unfortunately I was never honest in therapy about the buying/hoarding, stopped and started for years. Stopped therapy in ’06, it didn’t feel like it was helping (the therapist was not very inter-active), told my wife I did not need it. Eventually got credit cards my wife did not know about using them to buy myself stuff, buy them stuff, juggle home bills as the economy kept getting worse.

By February of this year I had 3 credit cards she did not know about, taken 2 loans out of my 401k and still had the credit card debt she DID know about. She found out about all of it and has decided she cannot be married to me anymore. She still loves me, wants us to remain friends, but she does not “love me like that” anymore, and can’t keep living her life worrying about what self-destructive thing I’m going to do next.  We are currently separated, living in the house (basiclally on separate floors) until my son graduates 8th grade in June.  Bankruptcy filed, should be done with by the end of Sept. '10.  She is currently looking for a job and going to school.  Once she has a job we will file for divorce and hopefully go through the process amicably, fairly, & quickly.

I have no idea what the future holds... I have no idea if I will share that future with anyone. But it is what it is. I now know I have friends and "family" that care about me... and that whatever does happen I'm gonna have a kick-ass time doing it.