more than a feeling

So I am taking to my blog once again to see if I can exercise some of my demons.  I had a therapy session on Tuesday and I think it's important that I document the things I have learned.

In therapy on Tuesday we discussed my decision making and how inadaquate it is. 

See when I was an adolescent I started off my on my path towards becoming what I thought was the coolest kind of kid on the block.  A grunge rocker type with heavy dark made up eyes, old men's hand me down sweaters and t-shirts and baggy, wide legged or flared pants usually finished off with big black boots.  An aspiring vegetarian I was shut down contantly with my decisions and my input.  First there was my parents complete disapproval of a vegetarian life style, there was my Mother denying me an electric guitar and ultimately my parents taking away my music collection and all my clothes replacing them with trendier threads of the day.  Club Monaco sweaters and tapered jeans with elf looking boots.  I continued to look for ways to express myself. I became interested in body modification, and hairstyling both of which my parents forbode.  No daughter of theres would be caught dead with crayon colored hair and a ring hanging out of her face.  So I continued to find ways around there rules.  I continued until I reached immancipation when I moved out at 16 and I went full tilt.  I got everything on my body pierced once, if not twice, I started getting tattoos when I was 14 and I definately collected pieces to make up an amazing wardrobe of fun, elegant, gothy articles of clothing so I could really be who I felt I was on the outside as much as on the inside.  I got involved in the body modification community was a vegetarian for 6 years and eventually got a job as a body piercer but all this came after I was away from my parents.  Looking back on all these things is making me smile.  To think of how I eventually overcame and got what I was working for.  I wish I still had that enthousiasm for life.  But when I hit 18 I was back home with Mom and Dad after being robbed blind on Christmas Day and loosing my boyfriend due to the stress in our relationship and after I got home I think the same pattern emerged.  My Mother and Father never accepted a decision I had made and always sent my back to the drawing bord until I reached the same conclusion as they did and went there way.  Now that I was 18 and was told I would never be punished again I cried I was confused never being punished meant I would never know when I was making what my parents thought was the right decision.  That confusion continues to my life today.  I am petrified to make a decision I am terrified that I will make the wrong decision and I don't even know how it feels when you make the decision that is right for you.  I am 24 and can't make decisions.  This sucks.  Everything I am doing is only with half a heart because I don't know when something feels right.  The way I make a decision is as follows: Think about what is the ideal situation then consult as many people that matter to me as possible and take there opinions into consideration then I make my move, if I am confronted with someone who is negatively affected by the decision I have made I hear them out until they are out of breath and then take everything they said into consideration and fo whatever I have to to make my decision accommodating to as many people as positive.  I don't know how to identify what I really want out of any situation except to identify that I want the decision to be accommodating to anyone and everyone that is how I determine when I have done 'the right thing'.  So I know I can't make up my mind.  Well at least that is something.  Now I am being faced with another decision and so naturally I feel depressed sick to my stomach and sad that I have to make a 'choice'.  My recent ex and I have been talking and he is desperate not to loose me.  We have decided that he should come along on our trip to PEI this weekend, we have talked we have hung out and things seem kinda wierd.  The problem is that although I feel a spark with him and things work with us the same as they always have I have a nagging feeling in my gut and it's a familiar one:  What about my ex fiance!? Surely this would crush him to know I am vacationing with my ex.  Eventhough there is no talk of me and my ex boyfriend getting back together and even though I won't see him in the next 2 weeks after this vacation, and even though my ex fiance and I are not trying to work on our relationship or getting back together right now I still feel responsible like I am crushing his heart without him even knowing it.  I know that I love my ex fiance and I always will and that is a big reason why I am NOT planning on getting back together with my ex boyfriend I need to sit and settle my nerves my heart and my gut long enough to encourage my heart to speak to me.  I have spoken with my shrink on this issue multiple times as this was a vicious cyle we've all been stuck in for 2 years and she simply tells me that while I am in this period of crisis things won't come clear things won't make sense and I won't be able to make a decision during this time.  I still want to make one.  I made the decision to be with my ex boyfriend and that didn't last I have tried lots of times to get things going with my ex fiance again and that hasn't worked thirdly I have tried being completely alone and single (as I am now) and that isn't working either and finally I have tried being single and spending the odd occasion with my ex boyfriend and that hasn't been the right fit either.  Nothing feels better it always feels out of joint and disconnected.  I guess truely what I want more than anything is for my ex fiance and I to reconcile and for it to be amazing for us to be madly in love as we once were and for all the aspects of our relationship to make perfect low key sense.  I want to be his girl again I invision what we look like together I look at old pictures I think about him non stop.  I guess I am just at a cross roads where I am not sure whether I should kill off these desires and try to move on with my ex boyfriend or someone new.  I see a lot of potential in my ex boyfriend that he and I could make compatible life long partners and sometimes I think that I need to get rid of my feelings for my ex fiance and move forward with my ex boyfriend.  Either way it is totally clear that I am beyond confused and incapable of making a decision so I have to just keep on the way I have been and do what I want when I want and keep myself honest with the people I care about and everyone involved in my situation and just hope that one day this will all be a thing of the past it's just that after two years of being this confused and not finding any relief I am getting really frustrated and I am sure I am trying to cross the finish line prematurely here and I hate that I even see it as a liniar situation with a beginning middle and end cause it can't be measured this way it won't help me to get anywhere it will just frustrate me becuase I feel stuck in the middle of the beginning and end of something....darn this stuff! I am just so frustrated and confused I just want to get on and over it.  I know I need to talk nicer to myself to help encourage myself to feel but at this point I seem to be doing all the wrong things and not enough of the right things.  This really sucks you guys.  I am off to the bathroom at work to let my eyes leak for a while thanks for listening and thanks to everyone that comments I do tools at work so I don't have a ton of time to spend replying back but I want to get better at that and so when I am back from my vacation later in July I will resolve to do better at putting out some of the positivity ya'll provide me with daily.  Thanks Guys!!! xo

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