Hey All...
This is one of those, Blaaaahgs days. You know the kind. Where you've been wanting to write all sorts of stuff, get things off your chest and ask all these questions...
So basically I don't know quite where to start...
I really like this program, really, and it has helped tremendously despite the fact I have attempted on more than one occasion to sabotage it...
I'd like to blame someone else, but Coach has taken that ability away from me, by empowering me and forcing me to realize - it is all about me - my choices are what cause the end results - and I have no one to blame but myself...
I've not used the tools provided as best as I could - so much information to work with...(my fault I know)
Let me share with you the positive results thus far - it being day 50 and all and more than half way through the 90 days.
1. Can something that is free really work?
Answer: Oh heck yeah....
2. Although I've not used all the tools provided I have succeeded in doing things for myself that I otherwise would not have done...
Coming into the program - I was in horrible shape (mentally, physically, emotionally - and I'm almost certain there are others - but I'm not currently working from that dimension - parallel realms are beyond me at this point - I'll deal with them little buggers when I get through with the initial 90 day efforts)
I am a clean fanatic (although it's been said that perhaps this has contributed to all the allergies) I'm not hyper clean - but neat and clean and organized - and due to circumstances and my level of self-worth I have not been maintaining that - I was in a downward spiral...
- I lost a 6 year relationship (you know the one that was supposed to last forever? But my interpretation and hers were a tad bit out of sync)
- I lost my house (our house)
So broke, alone, and homeless (which isn't the worst thing in the world - unless of course it's happening to you - right in that moment) - I traveled about and attempted to rely on friends who turned out to know more about what I should be doing than me (so they said, and stated that if I didn't conform to the way they thought I should handle things - well then, I needed to move on - ???)
By the time the light at the end of the tunnel shined on me brightly and I should have, would have, could have accepted this with all the grace God gave me - I was dead on all levels...(poo, it happens sometimes ya know - even to the most positive of people) - so I stopped everything...
My life did exist before the job, before the relationship, before the house, before those friends - but somehow I had just gotten lost...
I started seeing a therapist - they medicated me - I'm still medicated - for OCD behaviors and the anxiety that comes with not being able to practice that OCD behavior (I'm sort of joking of course)
but Tools to Life has gotten me back on course - really - no joke.
I'm not an actor - and have not been paid for this endorsement - LOL
- I wouldn't know what to do with money if it ended up in my pocket - except to give it away
It was as if I felt that I really needed to be punished - do to without - seek absolution - do penance for all these discretions...suffer damn you - Suffer...(not funny at all - but very true behavior - and a well practiced behavior I've established throughout 40 some odd years of myself)
Now I do cook -
not the best - actually it's mostly Microwaved - and still not always cooked (still not willing to do the set the table, eat with utensils, etc...but I'm getting there)
Now I shop for the stuff that I need -
not always when I need to get it done - and sometimes it's an argument with my inner voice to get what I need over looking at the price and talking myself out of it because I don't deserve it (never questioning myself about need - it's always "Can't you do without that?" "You aren't worth 5 bucks - don't they have something cheaper somewhere else?" - "Oh damn, forget it this is taking too long") but I'm getting better
Now I work with my mom to rationalize what to do with my money - my knee jerk response is "Oh, I have money - I should share it", "I should use this to show others how appreciative I am of their (fill in the blank - mostly just their existence in my life constitutes the giving of my financial resources to anyone - sort of scary but true)
I guess I'm sharing this because I feel badly that I'm not using all the tools right now - it's too much for me - and I believe I may have to run through this course again. It's not that I don't want to - but there are things that I'm still working on that are so in grained in me - and I feel sometimes that I'm literally having surgery.
I don't know if there are others out there that are feeling the same way - but - it really has been hard - and I'm plugging away at it - one day at a time...
I believe the hardest thing of all is not to yell at myself for not having been able to be where others are - the comparison thing - you know?
I want to be where I perceive my friends are - Wordsmith, or Dabble, or others... even my bestest friend - ...Pat... - I'm not saying that they are perfect - but they can articulate, express and seem to have committed to and advanced in things that I struggle with daily - as if I were some kind of pain addict (hmmm maybe I am...As if hurt was the only way to measure things? I don't know...)
Here's another thing...
This therapist that I'm seeing - she's okay - but I was so happy to find this Tools to Life - and when I share a blog I wrote - or a comment from the Coach...she sort of just says "That's nice" and takes the stuff I've printed and - well - that's it - unless I get the response - "And How Does That Make You Feel?"...
I wonder why she couldn't look into the tools and see it as an aid to support what we are working on? What would be wrong with that?
I'm not writing this for a 'there, there, it's going to be alright sort of response' - you guys have been really good at not slapping me with mushiness...
and have always given me positive and realistic responses...I can't stand to be placated... can you?
I just wanted to share with you that good things have come through this Tools process and I am grateful to Coach and his team - and to those of you who've read my blogs and posted to them and emailed me...
and to let those know that are coming in - it's not all rosy, ya know - and that people in here who have made advances still struggle - and work - even after the 90 days - to get it to where we believe we need to be...and it's all real...but it is do-able.
Even if you miss one day - it's all good. Just keep plugging away...
My monk-ish behavior has been worked on for years and years of coping - just as Coach shared about his dyslexia (me too coach!) - I've had to use all the OCD practices to maintain my head above water - and then comes along a program like this that says - you don't need all that to be what you want - that just takes some time to get it down...
Thank you all for being a part of my life - in this moment - right now - your value and worth is immeasurable to me...no matter what you are working on...you working beside me and having the faith to come this far says much, doesn't it...
To those who have no personal space issues - a hug for you
To those who have one - I'll just wave from here and smile...
-- Keeping it safe and real --
Me - Monk!
comments
re: Monk's Soliloquy
Hi Monk--this is your 'bestest friend'--thank you for your kind words and for 'letting it all out'. I admire you for that. It kind of plants you at a new starting gate for the next run in your journey of life. I hope it will be uphill for a while--you will get tired and overwhelmed at times--but I think you have shown yourself and others that you have the inner strength to do it. I appreciate having your support too. JUst keep on keeping on. Pat
Oh my dear Monk
Well, you have been wandering through the muddy patches of hell, haven't you? Not even the exciting hot fire places with the flames and nubile wenches in forked tails, even - just dreadful dreadful despair-laden life. But lookit - here you have stepped up to the plate, you are working your way through tools, you post the most amazing things, and you have a graceful sense of humour about it all.
In short, you're fabulous, strong, and pulling yourself out of the mud, vine by vine. I am watching in admiration. Now enough slapping you with mushiness....I hate hate hate patronization myself, so you know I mean this.
Like you, I've only worked on bits of Tools. Some things were just too much for me at the time. And now? Well, heck, I'm packing to move, so I've lost step with the other graduates out there who are going through in a group. For you (and others out there going through the same thing) how about we regroup near the end of May and trot through it all again together? The other group (Puja, BDA, et al) seem to be getting quite a bit out of the repeat. So think about this as you finish up the program, and count on my support as you do...
Oh and re: your therapist - I've been to someone as well, but she wrote down the site and was going to check it out. I think it depends on whether the therapist thinks it will be of use to his/her other clients...
Oh, and one final note - it is always easier to sound together on paper. You should see my house right now!