I have a friend who has a very difficult time dealing with someone. This other person makes them crazy upset. John, my friend, has a family obligation to socialize with this person.
This person can be negative, belittling, and insulting, without really realizing it.
On a long walk I did a very abridged verson of tools, and offered him two tools.
#1 I got him to stay aloud to me over and over, I choose my attitude and I choose to have a good one.
I'd get him to repeat it , then he would spew out all the reasons he felt hurt and upset.
I simply got him to repeat the same thing. I kept saying , your not getting it, think. Say it again. He would say it again, mort e stuff would come out. But after a half hour of this in a very instense conversation. He was beginning to get it.
He told me how angry this person made him.
I said. You control your emotions, if you are getting angry its because you are allowing your self to be angry.
Repeat this, "If I am getting angry it is because I am allowing myself to get angry."
Again when he said it he'd spew out all this anger about this person. So I got him to repeat it again and again.
Then I coached him. Who controls your attitude, what do you say? Who controls your anger? What do you say to yourself if you find yourself getting angry?
It took an hour and a half.
I took a friend who doesn't readily understand the concept of responsiblity for his condition, to some one who was beginning to grasps what I was saying.
Granted he didn't have all the prep work that Tools provides, but when I saw ihim later that day his whole attitude had changed and he was smiling and so much more in control.
I was amazed with the results.