I have committed to getting a grant written and submitted - got wheels turning on the committment tool - signed up some people to give me crap if I didn't get it done...
and I ain't done diddly - with the possible exception of thinking about it, worrying about, and pummeling myself for not getting it done. Oh...and organizing and alphabetizing a kick ass to do list. Which is in a stack of more urgent things that make me sigh with grief as I pass it by yet again.
..and someone said something to me the other day about my day job. "You know if you wait too long to leave here, they won't want to hire you anywhere else because you'd be too close to retirement."
This has given me palpitations. (and since my day job is working for cardiologists, I suppose I'm in the right place).
Part of the panic attack about that is that I'm not 100% sure what I want to do when I grow up. I mean, the "do what you love the money will follow gurus" (all of whom had rich daddys who bought them their careers) insist that you should do what you are passionate about. Something you could do for hours and you wouldn't notice the time going by.
Okay. So...sex, watching plays, tvs and movies and writing. Doing suduko and crossword puzzles. I like acting and love directing.
Trouble is with the internet almost every single one of those things are being done for free and the others, I don't feel comfortable charging for (ahem).
I've thought about being a managing director of a theatre company, but man....I am on a theatre board now and I gotta say, sometimes I just want to cut off my finger to get out of yet another lenghty discussion about how much to charge for a season ticket....and I think, "dude...really? We are arguing about $5 for a season ticket...where is my suduko puzzle...who wants sex?"
..and while I love directing - I'm not 100% sure I could do those 2 AM tech rehearsal nights like I did in my 20s.
..and back to palpitations.
So...do I just find a job that makes more money than I have now? Sure...sure...that would be good. How about computer forencis? I rather gather that while most people doing that are hired when they are 16 and get up to a living wage at 45. OR they've had a lot of peripheral experience.
...dang those irregular beats.
And now I've got a deadline for a major project at work (involving an accreditation organization) breathing down my backside -- an am at the point where I have so much to do, I don't know where to start, so I'll sit and do nothing and spend way too much time on this blog.
thump THUMPTHMUP, thump THUMPPMHTH.
..and so I think, maybe I should get a day off and just meditate and think about what I want to do.
Trouble is, I just had one...and darned if it didn't turn up any good gems other than the fact that I get sad if I spend too much time alone (wow...there's an insight..., glad I got behind in my work for that little zen genius insight).
I did find a great essay, though.:
http://www.ansiblegroup.org/furtherleft/InDefianceofGravity.pdf
I haven't quite picked up on the lessons...but I like it.
thump thump...
I'm goin' shut up now, while it still has time to thump.
comments
slow down...
I know you have a lot going on....and I know that you know freaking out won't add value to your situation....so take a breathe....you will be fine.
And to challenge one of the statements in your post....Is it true that you wouldn't be hired anywhere else because of your approaching retirement? I know plenty of 50-somethings (not that you are there yet) that were let go in 2009 that now have great jobs....and are making more money that at the orgs that let them go....and they are happier!
So, consider you industry and the trends....often small business hire because they need the help, experience, leadership that comes with being "seasoned".
As for following your passions....continue to ponder what skills you want to use and what problems you best solve on the job...that will guide you.
And one more thing for you to think on....a very simple question I ask clients....."what is most important to you?"
So, what is most important to you right now? On the job that is and over all in your life? That will help you get focused,
Hang in there.
PS.....
This just came across my twitter feed:
http://ow.ly/1mYBZ
To help the more than two million unemployed Americans who are older than 55, the AARP is sponsoring 48 job fairs in 19 states with high unemployment rates for older workers.
We ain't dead yet.....
Easy now
I can't help but get hung up on the too close to retirement to get hired. My dad worked like a dog his whole life...stuck in middle management, making managers look good and holding companies together. He was also a volunteer firefighter. At 50 he got his dream job Firechief! Folks that are good at what they do will always be valued! chase your dreams!
Good Luck!
JP