My names Paul.

I come from a very creative background, but am still unsure if I'm creative or not?  I make films and do photography as part of my job, (corporate stuff I'm afraid), but question if it's a genuine desire to create, or simply trying to catch up with my parents, (I don't know). I'm not as good as these two things as I should be though - (I still leave the lens cap on every now and then), and wonder whether to train further or do something completely different. 

I've always wanted to make some kind of mark on the world, to be more than just a random gravestone at the end of it.

One of the biggest questions in my life at the moment - am I barking up the wrong tree, and if I am which tree should I be barking up? 

I live in London, but don't make as much of it as I could. I love many of the things about the place, but with so much creativity, youth and cool things going on I sometimes feel it's impossible for me to every make any kind of mark. 

My personality - I have issues with. I'm kind, tolerant and patient. I'm usually light hearted, sometimes to the point of silliness. I think relationship wise I'm a slow burner. I find it difficult to let people in. I can find dealing with other people hard. I can get hurt very easily, and tend to reject before being rejected. Recently I find myself being invited out less, and spending more and more time on my own, (not ideal being single). 

My confidence is pretty appalling, I've had rushes of confidence, but they last for all to short of a time. Most of the time I feel pretty worthless. I self obsess a bit, and spend far to much time thinking about myself, (mostly in a negative way) 

I live in London and find it difficult to work out how to place myself. There are so many cool and right thinking people here.  I find it hard to work out what kind of impact I can make here - maybe I can't? 

Currently I'm stuck - hoping that I can find a way to move forward. 

Hi - I grew up in a very artistic and cultured family. The first few years of my life we're incredibly happy, growing up in a sunny country and as part of what seemed a golden family. I loved my early life. 

Both my parents we're succesful and charismatic. We lived in a beautiful part of South Africa.  My father was a succesful playwright and it felt as if the future was his for the taking.  My parents gave me a feeling of specialness in the world. 

When I moved to England however, things became a harder. We arrived in the UK at the beginning of a recession. Both parents suffered from what I now know was depression. My father's dream of making it as a successful playwright died, leaving him feeling bitter and my mother began to feel increasingly isolated, eventually leading to them getting divorced. 

I was sent to a violent inner city London school where I found myself being bullied to the point where suicide seemed the only way out. Fortunately before things got worse, my Mother managed to secure a job as a teacher out in the country and we moved.

However the years of bullying had a permanent effect on me. Leaving me a constant feeling of shame and low self worth that I've spent a large part of my adult life either trying to cope with or shake off.

My new school was more fun. There was an academic culture as opposed to a macho one. I'd like to say I thrived, but I'm afraid that although I felt safer, I didn't make the most of some of the opportunities. I desperately wanted to feel liked and tended to act as the class fool.

Some of the people I met at school I really loved and my 15th year was incredibly happy. I began to feel more secure in my personality and more loved. 

However to my devastation to the person I loved the most left for another school at the end of that year.  I became friends with another charismatic school friend, who although funny and charismatic, was incredibly critical.  This had a correspondingly devasting effect on my self esteem. By the end of my school life I felt once again worthless and depressed. 

My grades suffered and I left with two poor A Levels and a feeling of failure. Not only had I done badly academically, I'd also lost many of the people I hadn't been friends with, but admired at school. They left and I knew I'd never see them again. 

I went to a small university in the south of England, but quit after a year,with the wonderful gift of self sabotage that has been one of the constants in my life .  Both my parents were academic, my father having gone to Oxford and my Mother to York,  I felt ashamed to be at what I snobbishly felt to be a poor university and found it difficult to take it seriously.

I felt lifeless and depressed after leaving university. After spending 6 months at home on anti-depressants I decided to go for a change of scenery and went on Kibbutz for 6 months. 

 I travelled to Israel and worked as a voluntary worker. This was one of the most joyous periods of my life. I loved the manual labour - and although I was picked on at first by some of the others in the group - after a while I was accepted and even possibly respected.  I became fit for the first, (and possibly only time in my life), and actually had a romance.  I was actually considered good looking, which had a huge affect on my self confidence.

All good things come to an end however, and eventually I had to pack my bags and return to England.  All to quickly I went back to the slightly chubbier version of myself. I came back with a fresh feeling of impetus. I got myself a job as a door to door insurance salesman. the job I hated, but it forced me to combat my shyness by approaching. It also gave me a car to travel in. 

During that period I met a girl and settled into my first, (and so far only) long term relationship. L was 10 years older than me (34), not that she looked it.  

I was 24 and decided the time to move was right. With a couple of friends I upped sticks and moved from Bath to London. 

the first few years we're a struggle but not bad years. I worked as a temp and got to find out about the world of work from a variety of different angles. L moved down with us, and we eventually ended up moving in together, (albeit in a shared flat with another couple). 

I got, (what at least felt like), my first full job. Eventually I worked and found myself working in creative team, albeit within a government organisation.

I desperately worked to latch onto creative areas within that team, that would allow me to pursue more creative pursuits.  Eventually working myself into the position of becoming the unofficial photographer/videographer for the team. 

Some of the years in the team have been great. As per usual, at first I was rejected but managed to work my way into the affections of the team.  My relationship ended with L,  she wanted kids, I didn't (at least at that point in my life). We split up, and I ended up going into the third great depression of my life. Finding it very hard to cope without her. 

Eventually I fell in unrequited love with a member of the team, that ended badly and found myself experiencing a re-run of the painful emotions I felt after splitting with L. 

Now I find myself in charge of my own life, but not doing a particulary wonderful job. 

In my adult life I still desperately crave acceptance and a feeling of worth, that I suspect will continue to elude me. 

My future - I find a way to get peace in my life by fulfilling a useful purpose.  I work in a place/country where my skills are appreciated and make a difference. I've found someone I love and who loves me, we'e each others best friends. I'm happy with myself as a person, I realise my strengths and limitations.