First of all, I'm going to give myself a pat on the back for making to week 3. :) I still feel strange starting a post off this way as if somehow I don't deserve it, but I'm beginning to know better than to constantly minimize my successes and outsize my shortcomings.
In fact, how we treat ourselves is precisely what I have been thinking about throughout this whole day of Tools. If you've read some of my previous posts, you may know that I was formerly extremely hard on myself. Most people see me as Mr. positivity, yet I've always reserved very harsh judgment for myself. It has to do with that inner drill sargeant who was always pushing me to accomplish more and more, and using fear as his primary weapon of choice.
It's now been over 2 weeks since I instituted my "you're going to be gushingly kind to yourself" policy. To be honest, when I started I thought it was the "right" thing to do, since being positive is always better than being negative. But seriously, what difference was it really going to make? The real question should have been what was it going to leave unchanged?
It is just so pleasant to wake up to an inner dialogue that does nothing but praise you from the moment you open your eyes. At first every compliment received a muttered retort (yes even subvocalizations can mutter :) ), but that is beginning to fade. I'm still uncomfortable sharing my self directed positivity in front of others (such as at the beginning of this post) but at least when it is done privately I have begun to welcome it.
I've pulled my girlfriend into the fold as well. Last night we again took turns complimenting each other for as long as we possibly could. After each one she gave me, I acknowledged it out loud, confirmed it to be true, and then thanked her for bringing it up.
So how is it affecting me during the day? Well before, I would have persistent feelings of shame at some of the things I was not doing or not doing well enough. Now, anything I struggle with feels like it's put more into perspective. It sits against a backdrop of all my accomplishments and looks comparatively minor. I even get to introduce it to the things I previously struggled with but overcame. This definitely helps remind me that, at some point, these issues too will find themselves heaped among my accomplishments.
I'm also complaining less and less. I have an individual in the periphery of my life who never seems to treat me very well despite all that I do/have done for her. Before, the urge to groan about her behavior was too much. Recently, I've managed to reframe it and move on. (Thanks teach for the "walk a mile in someone else's shoes" comment). Even if her behavior is objectively not so great, I can at least understand how she arrived there and that helps generate compassion. Moreover, the better I'm feeling about myself, the less of a need I seem to have to focus on my frustrations.
I play poker too, and I notice this at the table all the time. When you're winning a lot, a lost pot here or there doesn't bother you that much. But when your focus is shifted to how much you're losing, each improbable event at your expense can easily be blown up to become the greatest cosmic injustice ever.
I'd love to share what I do, and then if anyone else has any favorite techniques, please share! Right now my routine is to forbid anything but endless positivity for the first few minutes of my day. I try to do the same thing before I fall asleep, and I'll make an effort to do this whenever I remember during the day. At night, I'll either use the exercise I spoke about with my girlfriend, or I'll do it by myself if she's already asleep. Finally, my last favorite tool is to pull out a piece of paper and just write in stream of consciousnessness about everything I am grateful for, everything that is wonderful about my life, who I am, and to reaffirm my desires for my goals. That last one is a bit time consuming, but I swear you could never go to bed happier.
Anybody else have favorite tips/tricks? And of course I would be remiss if I ended a post on gratitude without saying how much I appreciated the community and everyone's support :)
Have a great day!
comments
What a great post!
Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts and ideas! I think I actually blushed when I saw your thanks to me in your post, but what a great feeling!
I am very good at complimenting other people or trying to give them a boost but I have been terrible at doing that for myself. I like your idea of involving your girlfriend, do you think I could train my dog to do that for me? Ok, I'll stick to writing out some compliments to myself.
TOOLS takes a lot of paper :-)
have a GREAT day!
You Know What's Best
You sound like you have things under control right now. Whatever you do to make things work is probably the best way to do it, especially if you are trusting yourself to make the right decisions.
Pushing yourself can have it's healthy aspects and unhealthy ones. Pushing yourself to do better (while running a marathon or working out) is a positive and healthy routine. Beating yourself up for making a mistake is another thing. It's good to recognize the difference and it sounds like you may already be there.
Take care!