[Warning!! I've got a big one here!!]
Wow... yesterday was pretty sucky for me. So I spent 5 hours driving home after a long hard slog at the workplace this week. Things had been pretty good with my communication with the wife... not perfect, but hopeful. I'd felt like I was spending this hour of "working on me" time pretty consistently and enjoying the ride. On the way home I asked the wife if she wanted me to pick up some food on my way in and she was nice enough to call and order some stuff and I stopped and picked it up... all was going well so far.
So I get home, stop at the MIL's house to pick up the kids. I'm standing there with bags of good food in my hand (food that both we [the grown ups] and they [the kids] like) and my son says "I've already eaten"... The first dart hits me and I try to shake it off and just move on and get the kids home.
It pisses me off that when I'm out of town, my kids eat dinner just about everyday at the MIL's house. It just reinforces my fury with the fact that my wife doesn't feel capable of handling "dinner" with the kids when she gets home from work when I'm not here. I mean, what does everyone else in the world do when they have a job and have to come home to feed the kids? They do what they have to do... And more than that, the MIL totally enables her to do it by always offering to feed them at 4pm instead of letting them wait til she gets home to make dinner like a normal family would. It really screws up any sense of OUR family routine when they are used to eating so early and we get home from work a couple of hours later.
I feel like the load is always on me to try to create a healthy family dynamic with things like this and then I have to compete to be "the parent" with my MIL.
So we get home, we're a bit rushed because my son has baseball practice in 40 minutes. Most of us sit down to eat... including my son who decides that he likes what we're having so he'll eat "some, but I'm not that hungry". I'd made a point to get home and have some food available because I wanted to take him to practice - it was a tight timeline, but I knew we could do it. It turned out that practice got cancelled due to rain and then the wife gets home.
The next bombshell hits when my son says "MaMaw picked me up from school today in the middle of lunch, but she says not to take it out on me because it wasn't my fault." I asked why this happened and he said it was because he lost his permission slip to go to a school outting and he was going to have to sit at school and do nothing for the rest of the day. I was PISSED!! But I didn't freak out in front of him and I didn't say any of the things that were going through my head. I just said, well, you know what happened there, don't you? Your MaMaw robbed you of the opportunity to learn your lesson for losing your permission slip. The wife didn't say anything... just made some gestures of agreement and we moved on. I did say "So what happens the next time you do something like that and you have to live with the consequences? Do you just wait for MaMaw to come save you?" He said "Yep." I didn't go on about it.. I just finished eating and tried to distract myself from my frustration.
I feel like this would be one of those things that I wouldn't have found out about if I hadn't been home and my son hadn't told me about it. My wife knows how infuriated I get when I have to compete with her Mother to raise our kids. This is how my wife was raised (to never have to worry about failure because her mom would always make sure she didn't have to learn a lesson - at least this is my estimation anyway) and now she's paralyzed with the fear of failure... to the point that she rarely if ever does anything to improve herself or our way of living.
At some point along the way the wife asked me what was wrong and I said I was tired... I went and laid down and then it happened... I said "Its my attitude and I can change it" to myself. I felt a little bit of release just then... and I did sleep a bit. The wife came in and again asked me what was wrong and I told her that we have to move (yea, we live next door to the MIL). We've been kicking it around for awhile anyway, but this just bolstered my motivation to get the hell out of here!! I told her that I was feeling pretty angry that her Mother would undermine our parenting efforts. She said "yea, I told her about it this afternoon and she didn't care". I was still pretty angry and made some off handed remark about me being the only one interested in moving and that she was just going along for the ride until we hit a bump and she'd "you made us move, I didn't want to, and now look what happened!!" She didn't like that too well and went away.
I got up later... the kids went to bed... and nothing else was said about it.
So anyway... thats that.. and I've resumed the house hunt a little more agressively than before. I just have to find a balance between affordability and the school districts that I want to be in. Today's Tools lesson was about responsibility. I totally understand taking responsibility for my actions and know that I can do anything I want to do if I want to bad enough... While the fire to move was already burning, this whole affair just tossed the gas on the "want to bad enough" for me.
No excuses... I'm saving money... I'm assessing the variables and looking for opportunities. I will move before the next school year begins.
Thanks for reading,
Shane13
comments
HEy Shane
A great read. There seems to be a lot going on in your life and you are making good choices. Perhaps your wife is leaning on her mom for help too much, but it does take a village to raise kids. Its great to get the help when you need it, and when you need a break. I think if you look at the MIL less as an enemy and even take the time to approach her with your concerns (but in a concise and controlled manner) she might agree to your wishes. We have to work with people in situations that we didnt ask for and try to get the best out of them. My wife and I worked as a team to make sure our MIL's followed our guidelines. But still nothing is perfect.
Sometimes I eat with my kids, but during the week I get home around 6:00 and the kids have already eaten. Kids are on a tight schedule, mine are little... and we eat all our meals together on weekends. Its a compromise... and I spend quality time with my kids after I eat, and do a lot of playing, snuggling..
And take the time to discuss where you want to live and inspire your wife to want to move and live in a better place. Get her stoked to move. And make your efforts your own, and not because of an outside pressure or resistance. Talk to your wife, listen, get her on the same page then be methodical and look together.
Good Luck! Hang in there!
Youch
My son told his mother in law that they were going to live 2 hours away from either of us.:) I am not sure where he got that advise, but he has pretty much done just that. We live in Scotland and his in laws live in OR whereas he lives in Washington. It really is tough when both parents are working and there are little ones to take care of.
Keep it up, you are doing very well.
Shane you have a heavy load
I can see why you are so burdened down. From what you wrote your wife is passive because of her upbringing.
When you move she is going to go through some emotional moments you need to be prepared for. It won't be because she doesn't love you or the kids or anything like that.
Having been raised a sheltered life and a passive one at that I know what I am talking about. She is going to find herself facing fears she won't understand. Just love her and be supportive.
You are doing the right thing in moving so you can have you own family and not be undermind. I agree with everything you said and I don't believe your MIL is doing it intentionaly but because it is the only way she knows. She actually thinks she is helping.
Both your wife and her mother is going to have a very emotional time of it. Maybe not right at the time of the move but it will come. Just be there for your wife. My husband was amazing and I made it through.
tytyty
Thanks everyone... I really appreciate the eye openers. :)
In short:
Mike, I've always heard that it takes a village to raise kids, but I don't think its struck home so much as it did just now. :)
Susan, I tried moving 2 hours away as well... nobody was having fun but me, so we moved back. :) (see joy's note!!)
Joy, I really appreciate the insight and your willingness to share your experience. I'm sure you will be right and I'm glad you gave me the key to the process - expect an emotional rollercoaster and Support my wife and it'll be ok!! priceless...
More than anything I'm glad I was able to get this off my chest and not get slapped as being a jackass. I really felt like all of my pent up tension was far too much... but the fact that you all recognized that I'm carrying a full load here, is really what I've needed for a long time. I do carry a full load and I need to put it down from time to time. Thanks for helping me feel like its ok to do. :)
Thanks for the support,
Shane13
Anytime Shane That is what friends are for.
I am happy I was able to help. Anytime you need to get something off your chest or just need an ear to listen I am here. We are all here. That is what friends are for.
I just thought you needed to hear from her perspective since she probably isn't at the point that she even recogonizes it yet. It took a while before I realized what was happening.
Thankfully God blessed me with a loving, understanding husband that cares about me. He withstood the storms and was able to celebrate with me when the sunshine came.
Have an awesome day for the sunshine will come.
Bonita