Day 16 - The Sword that lies in wait

Ok... so yea, I smoke.  I tend to think I'm a "different" kinda smoker... I don't stop working to go out and have a smoke break (unless I'm going out with someone else - there's a lot of information that gets passed around in the smoke hole you know - its been awhile since I've done that), I usually won't smoke if it requires much effort... I stay in non-smoking hotel rooms (sometimes I go outside to smoke when I call the wife)... I don't smoke around the kids... I only smoke by the fan (that blows it out of the house) when I at home and the kids' are in bed...  I'm good, right?  Heheheh... 

However, that oh so Sweet Little Voice (this time it seems like an even more subdued one!) has peeped up on me and pointed out the biggest (or most consistent) lie that I tell myself (lemme get a smoke for this one): "Its my mom's responsibility to mend the broken bridge of 15 years." 

She fucked it up and I have made a conscious effort to not have a relationship with her or her people ever since.  So in my mind (or my 19yo mind since thats when it went down), she should be the bigger person to say "You know what, I'm sorry for what I did and I'd like have you back in my life."

She's always been a manipulative person who's wronged people and never takes responsibility for her actions. She's very passive aggressive and she taught me well (by demonstration) how to handle that sword to make surgical cuts on the souls that love her.  So, I've taken upon myself the task of "teaching her a lesson" (as I tell myself).  There's been many times that I've told my sister (she's the middle child, you know, the peacekeeper?) that my mom would die knowing that she made a huge mistake and had to suffer the consequences - unless, she made some effort to make amends.  I really don't feel that its in my best interest to allow her to just screw me over and then carry on like it ain't no thang.

Its odd though... cuz everytime I think I need to get this out and work toward healing the bond, I only find myself reinforcing the need to keep her away from me and my family.  I have 3 kids that don't even know she's anything to me.  They know of her (because their cousins talk about her), but they don't really understand how the relationship fits in the picture.

I have the convenience of telling them that my mother died when I was 3 (which she did, the "mom" was my stepmother from 4-19yo).  My Dad has remarried since then, so they know his current wife as their grandmother.  As far as I'm concerned, my "mom" retired the title after she and my dad divorced and we had a falling out over some silly shit.  She allowed her now husband to push her to make some decisions that she probably wouldn't have made and now she's only had contact with me when there is a family gathering (mostly crisis' and birthdays).  Even then, to me, she is just like some other in-law of my sisters' whom I don't really know, but am cordial too.

Over the years, I've become highly aware of my ability to be passive aggressive and have been able to prevent myself from using it on my own family when things are rough.  If nothing else, only because I know what something like that does to a person in the long run.

At the end of the day... I suspect that I'm suffering a huge toll to "Best" her at her game of passive aggression.  I miss her a lot and I even miss playing guitar and talking to her now husband (even if he's got his own quirks).  I miss sharing my accomplishments with her and asking her for advice about stuff that people normally ask their mom about... I miss the idea that I can count on my mom to help me out with "life" as it unfolds...

This has been about "winning the war" for me... I'm "A Soldier" (see Eminem's Chorus)... By many accounts, I've been through hell and back and never whine and complain about it, afterall, there are people who've had it 10 Times worse than me, right?  I just keep my eye on the prize and keep climbing forward.  I don't normally look back at anything... but man, I think this has probably affected me in more ways than I know. 

There is something in me that says if I could heal this wound, I would be a better husband... but the animosity and resentment is soooooo strong... and yes, the anger and disappointment that she's not strong enough to recognize my injury and care enough to put herself aside and make an effort to reach out to me is pretty overwhelming.

And then there's the kids'... what would I tell them?  "Kids', this is my mom... I haven't talked to her for 15 years because she wronged me and didn't care... my natural mother died when I was 3, but this is the woman who raised me as her own til I was 19"... I don't think they'll get it.  I know kids' are resilient beyond measure, but how do I reveal that I'm such a turd as to not talk to my own mom for 15 years?  I guess that makes me stooping down to her level, eh?

I dunno... there seems like an overwhelming number of variables to the situation and I don't even know where or how to begin.

So anyway... after today's lesson on "lies" I thought pushing this out here might help me move toward closing the wound, but as I said, it simply reinforced it again....

Hmmm... That Little Voice just told me that this has been on my mind a lot more often in the last few years, so maybe this whole deal of laying it out there every once in a while isn't reinforcing it in the long run... maybe the short run... but perhaps the dam will break eventually and I'll make it happen.  No matter how "Reinforced" it seems to become, the fact that I want to right this wrong in my life continues to persist in me.

Thanks for reading,

Shane13

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Tags: Soldier, swords, lies