I identified actions within myself that just weren't working. My actions/ behaviors were not getting me the reults I wanted. Specifically if I was unsure, scared or hurt, I withdrew inside myself and put up walls around me, I wallowed in the emotions I was holding onto. Have been doing this for years.
So it occured to me that this behavior got me no where I wanted to be, and never has. So I decided rather than retreating from the feelings which trigger withdrawl I would move forward and work through the pain, fear etc and see what happened on the other side. So far so good I must say.
The first time my boyfriend went out to dinner and still wasn't home at 12:30 at night - I couldn't sleep and instead of just lying there fretting over what he was actually doing. I got up and called him (cell phone no answer) so I went looking for him. I found him right where I fiqured he'd be, having a few drinks with mutual friends. The relief that he was just socializing was worth the trip. He bought me a drink and I joined in the fun and we stayed out until 3:30 am. I turned a 'problem' (in my head) into a real oppourtunity to have fun!!
The second time he wasn't home by the time I was ready for him so I went to where he was and offered to take him out, he opted to stay there and we talked freely for hours at his shop. Again a 'problem' (I was lonely) turned into an oppourtunity with hours of conversation which allowed us to get reaquainted with each other.
The third time I had conjured up all sorts of things in my head and had been holding them in for weeks trying to decide how to have a conversation with him. When I finally broached the subject he came pouring out with all sorts of things to say to explain just about everything I had been dealing with in my head and made everything I was scared of just melt away.
So far facing my fears rather than withdrawling from them has had BIG payoffs. We get caught in our own defensive modes of behavior and don't know anything else - the risk is worth the payoff!