Its been 6 days since I smoked
(self medicated)
My queasiness has decreased,
but I'm still feeling it when I actually
eat. It makes it difficult to eat at all.
One thing about pot, it keeps you
in the "munchies"!
I've been awake since 3 AM or so....
I've got a 5 hour drive each way today
to go to my step daughters wedding.
I can't even afford to think about it.
I don't know how I ever thought I
could afford my habit.
I'm unprepared.
My sense of duty to my daughter
Becky is driving me there for her.
I've got to be a come through guy!
My Inner Voice is saying things to me...
corrections, or Truths that it knows
are the PRESCRIPTIONS for my current
state of affairs.
All I have to do is listen and supply
the man.
All I have to do is go through the
initial pain of change, and fear, and
through the comfort of the easy
way out.
There is no other way.
I'm grateful for Tools....it's a focuser
and a refuge of support and mutual
effort!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was one practice in the "Quaker"
like church I was in for 11 or so years
that was very relieving and focusing.
It was how they "Waited on The Lord"
Three times a week, we went into a
large plain austere room, and sat in
silence for two hours. I did this for
more than a decade. Even the children
from new born to teenagers could sit
with us silently and calmly.
After learning to relax, and feel the
rat race of the world slowly die out of
me, (when I first came to them) I
could sit and clear my mind and heart
and simply wait, and listen for the,
as they called it, the Still Small Voice
in the heart.
Sometimes someone would stand
and speak their heart, as prompted
by this "stirring", whether it was the
pastor, or a member of the body.
I think a lot about this time, and
remember how I was focused, and
remember how this time produced
answers in my heart for various
problems in my life.
First of all....I myself, and all the
clutter and emotion was gone.
Instead,as I got used to doing this
"excercise" I realized that I could best
"see" my way through, or hear my way
to a clearer answer or "pathway"
for my Life.
My emotions and fleshly voice was
more and more "stilled".
When I first met these people as a
convert, they could sit on a porch
quietly and talk pleasantly or just
sit and listen to the river and birds.
I would almost explode out of my
chair + have to walk or talk a lot,
or whatever...the RAT RACE and
the spirit of the world was strongly
with me and part of my fiber.
It took me months to relax, and I
noticed that I would exhale and
calm down the tension of my body
many times a day. They all smiled
between each other, knowing what
I was going through, and how I was
like "spit on a hot griddle".
After years of no TV and radio, and
quieting the world out of my heart,
I could sit still and think on one
thing calmly for hours. It was then
that I learned to paint, tend bees,
stay in my budget, learned two more
languages and raised a family.
I loved it.
Now of course, for reasons that
dont matter here, I'm back in the spirit
of the rat race and all that it entails.
I can plainly see the difference.
Perhaps as I grow here with Tools
and the collective body of freinds
that guide and encourage I can slow
and stop for "minute", and take that
deep breathe again !
Perhaps add meditation to my
life again. There's much more to this
"growth" and "introspection" than
meets the eye.
I know I can become more honest
with myself and prepared to make
real changes as I go through this
course if I slow down.
Stop, Take a Deep Breathe. Relax.
There's so much more tension and
stress to every day life than we
imagine.
Relax.
Peace.
Calm Down.
Smile Peacefully.
Dont vomit words.
Dont act hastily.
Commit to being in nature
frequently, and listen to
the "stillness".
It's a great place to flourish
and realize deeper Truths and
Answers.
It's always there for us, and
it heals and strengthens.
When I first started Tools, I
woke early, did the lesson,
and wrote the blog, and then
made a conscious effort to "visit"
with others by reading blogs and
cheering my fellow Toolers along.
Perhaps now, I will first add
stopping, and waiting. Clearing my
mind and heart, and feel the tension
disperse again before I charge into
Tools again!
It's more Elegant, resourseful, and
Clearer!
One more deep breathe!
