Hello World
The subject of Coaches 5th day lesson was starting to listen to the Inner Voice.
Very interesting for me.
Because of my past, I have some experience
with listening to the Still Small Voice inside....because at 19 I joined and repented into a church that was designed around the
original Quakers. I stayed for 13 years or so.
Their whole belief system was structured around the belief that the voice of God is planted at the bottom of and inside the
heart and mind where the Inner Voice is.
So we believed that one had to "Walk In The Light" to come to salvation, and ultimately to the same stature as Christ was on the earth.
I am not wanting to get into religious dissertations or debates here....just to mention that I spent 13 or so years doing this daily. I had no TV, radio, movies, or newspaper for that time, and it was rich, good for me, and very enjoyable after the withdrawal from the world's pleasures.
The clarification is that the Inner Voice or Inner Child was a part of us, and that the Pure Seed of God is there also....telling us right from wrong, but entirely separate from that inner Child.
Of course, Coach's lesson today made me think a lot on the subject. I've based my life on this thinking, and it's either helped me or it's been a "chastiser" when I resist and go the opposite way.
The most I am in touch with this Inner Child is around relationships, and my hobbies, or how I spend my time.
The tumultuous relationship I had in my life
before and after the church was with one partner. We broke up many times, but loved each other very much. My Inner Child or Voice
was never happy completely. I was always 4/5ths happy, and never happy and content.
There was something about the way I identified with being loved that never came to me from her. I was wanting outward shows of affection, love and support, and she was always steady and there for me...but not emotionally.
The amount of inner crying I did for years
is amazing to me...because I resisted, stayed, and hoped for a different outcome.
It shows me the resilience and faithfulness of this Voice......that after years...the truith was always there, and never diminished with time or trouble.
It shows me that from not speeding, to telling the truth, to making big and small decisions, that there is a light......a pure inward voice that not only guides, but is my best freind.
Aaaaaah.....the YEARS I wasted in my life living outside the "pricks" in my conscience.
We used to call it, "Picking Up Our Crosses, and Walkling In The Light."
So....there is a sense of knowing that along with knowing either what my Inner Child was feeling....to knowing right from wrong, that there is a fleshly....unruly, disobedient little child inside me....and it loves to rebel, party, waste time, and create complex emotional reasons why the wrong way will pay off.....
but it just never does, does it?
Even Jesus is quoted as saying...."Pick Up your crosses, and DENY yourselves and Follow after Me...."
So I see there that there is a growing up, and a denying of the flesh...so that the adult "Spirit" can grow up in its inside place in the heart.
It's so ironic to me that even out of the church I'm still coming into the place where
looking inward and getting "clear" my inward
man is right here every day, all day.
Cant escape it, with pot, with time, with partying, or with anything!
How different my life would be if I had listened to my Inner Voice a long time ago.
How I know deep inside my heart that I was put here with great talents....with great ideas and huge projects in my heart that never came to fruition, because I was hell bent on letting my 'Flesh" tell me what to do.
Ive always been able to pick up any instrument and play it within a few minutes.
I picked up a guitar at a freinds house one day when I was babysitting and was fingerpicking 12 songs before the lady came home! I'd never touched a guitar before !
Ive played in bands and had songs published, and I have a good reputation among my peers, but I never really paid the price to learn to read and get to the place where I was world class......and I could be very easily.
I can also draw a likeness in a few minutes.
Ive been able to since I was young. But...again....getting myself to the easel is almost impossible.
In high school, I was asked to do a year long art project and hand it in at the end of the year as a final.
I went to the "planetaruium" we had in natick high School, and made a project called, "Satan and His World In Art. "
There was a computer there, (in 1972) and I ulitmately made history by creating the worlds first totally computer automated planetarium show! (At least that was what my school newspaper said. )
The school board came...and you can imagine all the fanfare! I was thinking big and using my talents without fear!
I've made a TV commercial, and been on the radio, and had a song published.
Ive played on the same stage warming up for Johhny Winter....one of my blues idols.
THAT was awesome...especially two years in a row.
I played with Savoy Brown, and many other blues greats.
I've learned two languages, and could learn more!
(I am NOT telling you these things to impress you, Im telling you these things to my shame! I know in my heart that I never really did it.....I never really disciplined the good out of me....I never really developed my thing like I shouldve!)
But........alas...........
YOU might think that it all sounds like a lot!
It isnt. Once in a while...something happens....but really if you take into consideration the 51 years Ive had here on the earth, and the talents I was given at birth......I shouldve done it differently.
Ive wasted SO MUCH TIME......
So MUCH RELATIONSHIP MISERY!
SO MUCH POT SMOKING AND PARTYING...
SO MUCH SELF PITY AND SELF DOUBT!
SO MUCH FOOLISHNESS AND IMMATURITY!
YEARS OF IT!
My Inner Child has taken a beating....and the poor thing keeps on ticking!
I can feel him smiling when my actions are congruous with my inner purpose, and I can feel him actually crying when he's hurt or resisted.
My nickname when I was a little feller was Skip.
That little Skip and I have a lot of getting along and communicating to do!
After all, it's really HIM that stopped me here, and said......."I would possibly benefit from this website......lets try It! After all....you know how miserable we are every day!
If I could solidify my life plan for the furture!
If I could be Proactive and believe in myself!
If I could squeeze out some quality and good for my fellow man out of my life...instead of immaturity, self destruction, and weekness!
Well, I am no longer practicing religion....no longer practicing outward religion......but I have to feel good about myself and know that there is a Creator......
It's with His Help and the good people He's put around me like you all that I know I have always been given what I need.
Thank You for all the Cheers, Boosts, messages, and all around good attitude!
We all the same gingerbread, just different shapes. We all know what to do already....Coach is right!
I'm glad I'm here......!
Thanks very much for reading.....and letting me vent!
Smilinsteve
"I Love all jazz, And Dig All Jive....
Thats the Reason I Stay Alive.
My Motto As I Live And Learn Is....
Dig, and Be Dug In Return!"
Langston Hughes
