Sucess is no secret but at the moment I have no energy to do much more than to tell myself I am having a great day, splash and brush and curl up under a blanket with a "stress amplified cold". My body feels like a freight train ran over it twice and I know it is just because my soon to be "X" has tied me up in court with a long series of pre trial appearances and so is avoiding the actual trial before a judge that would put an end to our unfortunate union. The stress of not being able to move ahead with plans for my regrowth and new directions is taking a great toll on my physical and mental health. Because all property and finances are locked down and he is still selling assets and destroying the value of other property is getting to me. My own personal integrity is keeping me from sinking to his level and I am trying to hold to my personal values, even though it looks like "nice guys will finish last" and the "guy with the most toys wins" will end up being to only lessons at the end of this unfortunate time of my life. I take to much effexor to have a good cry. I am aware that I need to take care of myself and stay in control so drugs and booze are not the answer. I quit smoking 11 years ago and know better than to find relief in even one puff of nicotine. I need a hug but am afraid to let anyone that far into my self enforced circle of protection at this point. I am a mess on bad days and I suspect I just need to lick my wounds for a day or too and try to get this cold under control so it doesn't turn to something worse. I feel like a small child, without power or direction and want to sit in the corner, suck my thumb and hug my security blanket.
I know that this weak stage is temporary. I know that in the end, the whole thing will be over and I believe I have enough stamina and finances to get to the end of this. My soon to be "X" has a new woman with a great deal of money and she has sworn to not let me "win" and she wants my house, even though it is little and old, it is out in the country and is fenced so her dogs could run and play. Geting out of a relationship with a sociopath is dangerous and stressful. Non of his previous wives were brave enough to stand up to him. Non of them have ever taken any stand at divorce time. Just signed the papers like good little women. It will be a rough go but I have never known how to be a quitter so I will keep scraping dollars together for legal fees and will match her round for round.
Will come out of this okay and my emotional health and physical health will be restored. I will use this web site to do it. But I will do it next week. I just need to sit and whine for a while.