I believe my Breakthrough Happened On January 1, 2007

My name is Rita, I’m 46 years old, married and a Mother to 3 children. My two daughters are 15, and 10. My son would have turned 12, on October 27, 2007. He died 8 weeks after he was born on December 24, 1995.

I have lived through some very many painful and emotional experiences in my life.

Most of them have been difficult to bear. Most of them I have always believed were not by my own doing.

I have always considered myself to be a good person.

I have always believed that I have very strong and solid values and morals.

I have always believed that these morals and values have been instilled in me by my parents.

My parents and siblings immigrated to Canada when I was barely 3.  I have always felt like I don’t belong, and have always believed that to some degree this was the reason. 

I was raised with a Roman Catholic belief, and I have always felt that my upbringing was very different for me than most of my Canadian Friends.

I have no idea where this journey is leading me to.

I don’t know exactly why, or how, yet on January 1st of this year, after yet another ugly, and awful emotional eruption from me, I vowed that I had had enough .At the time, I had no idea what I needed, or where to go for help. My mother died when I was 25, and I felt like there was no one who could help me. I took my 2 daughters and we left our home, and spent at night in a hotel room.

Looking back now, I see that somehow I asked, and I received.

 What I do know is that for the last 12 years I have lived my life in a state of sleep, for lack of a better word. Since the death of my Son, on December 24, 1995, I have always felt like a part of me had died, with him.

To keep this page brief for the time being, I will just say that I have lived my life with no desire to move forward. I had settled for whatever happens, happens, and the “poor me” attitude.

On March 1st I attended my first counseling session with someone who counsels quite differently than I have ever experienced before.

Today, my life may look the same to people who have known me all my life.

The one difference in me and for me is that I actually have a desire to live.  I have a reason to get up, and I am getting up feeling like I have too much to do, and not enough time. I am feeling good about me!

To some this may sound like I was the worst parent, wife, friend, out there. Others of you will understand exactly what I mean.

This past spring I had thought it would be great to start a home based business.  Everything I was reading at the time suggested that everything I knew was already right under my nose. It looked easy enough. Yet it has been a struggle, and it is a struggle. I remember going through one of my Keepsake boxes, and finding a piece of paper that said:

“Rita Remembers!”

The one thing that stuck out for me on this piece of paper was something I had written ‘Write story for my daughter’.

Well that was it. I burst into tears, the main reason I went to counseling after my son died was for my then 3 year old daughter. The main reason, I continued when I felt like dying 12 years ago was for my 3 year old daughter. The main reason I erupted on January 1, 2007 was because I felt like I was reliving my childhood, and my children were now me, and I was now my parents, and worst of all my Husband  was acting exactly like my father! Something very unbelievable to phantom since, I married outside of my culture, and background, so that I would never ever be married to someone like my father!

How could this happen?  Worst of all the last 12 years made me feel like I had forgotten how we were so happy to have had our son for 8 weeks considering he wasn’t supposed to be born alive. If you can’t imagine it yet, I was emotionally a wreck when I named my site ‘Fear Stands in My Way’. This was not the type of business I was looking for.   Yet, I believe in my Heart, that this is part of my journey, and right or wrong I am not about to question it at the moment.

I have never considered myself a writer, and my style may not suite everyone. So be it. I am also full of fear and doubt every time I attempt to write.

Yes Fear Stands In My Way. The only difference now, is I hear myself voicing this, and I also see myself pushing through it and doing it anyway!

Comment (1) View (115) Show support

Tags: