In mourning...

...for my life as I know it now. I know now that I can not and will not continue living my life as I have been for most of my years. I came to this conclusion while working on a machine today (I repair and maintain office equipment).

I was finishing up a repair, crouched in front of a machine, and I looked at my hands. I looked at them and they became old beyond their years. Wise yes, but without life, without feeling. The tool in my hand looked weathered and worn having seen much use even in the 2 years I had owned it. All of my energy drained from me as I realized that this job was killing me slowly. Aging me and sucking out my life. I nearly sunk to my knees and wept, the will to go on leaving me by the moment.

I picked myself up and went on of course but I wasn't there anymore. I was in a pit, cowering and craving something, anything to happen. It did not and I pressed on hoping that I had finally seen my own death. Praying that I could feel free of it now and move on from this place.

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Tags: Death, Mourning, Loneliness