I'm a 23 year old gay lad living in London and i've just broken up with someone who i thought would be my long term future. I haven't been very good in relationships and i'm not sure if i'm meeting the wrong people or getting into these short term partnerships for the wrong reasons, but i don't want to make another mistake, it's deflating and i feel empty.

For work, i work for a promotions company currently doing alot of work with playstation, i love playstation and could talk about it for hours. I enjoy my job but wish i could be better at it, i'm not very interactive with the consumers and i don't know why this is, i used to be very outgoing and friendly, now i'm more reserved.

I'm also currently studying to be a personal trainer, but i've been doing this for a couple of years and it shouldnt have taken this long, i could list off my excuses why i haven't completed it by now, but that's all they would be is excuses, again, i don't know why i haven't just gotten on with it. It seems these days, i have all these ideas of what i want to do and the kind of life i want for myself, but i never do anything about it, i guess i get scared of failier.

At 23 i would have never of thought i'd need anything like this, but i know if i don't do something now, then i could be missing out on the best years of my life, and i certainly don't want that.

I smoke cannabis too which i wish i didn't but then when i haven't had it in a while i get the urge for it and like the idea of being stoned and then as soon as i smoke a joint, i regret it.

There seems to be two voices in my head, one trying to lead my down the right path and the other doing the opposite and i seem to listen to the bad voice more.

I'm not sure on what else to write here but i will if i think of anything.

 I was born to a single mum 23 years ago (and i wish i was born into a different family) but somehow ended up being brought up by my grandparents. I'm not 100% on the details but it sorta went something like, my mum was young, she didn't really have time for a kid, my grandparents looked after me, social services got involved, took me from my mum and gave custody to my grandparents. I know they did the best the could in bringing me up probably in failing with my mum, aunt and 2 uncles. 

They never really set the world on fire, my mum had another 4 kids all of which were taken away from her (shes not that bad, just an alcoholic) 3 of which live with my step dad and the other is in care, she has no career prospects and is living in my old room at my grandparents because when she had china (my half sis) taken from her the concil said she wasn't eligable for the place she was in so they made her homeless. My unlces do basic salary jobs, not married and just seem to get on with life with nothing to look forward to. Then there is my aunt who got married and brought up 5 kids out of london.

I know that you need money to get a decent education but i just wish it was made so clear to me (or maybe it was and i didn't care) how important school was, my grandparents (well grandad, if my nan had met someone else, maybe i wouldnt have been born, but she would have been happy) have very different views about life. They don't really socialize, they don't eat healthy and constantly moan and complain about everything.

Anyhow, at school i was bullied and just didn't have many friends or understand the importance of education. At 13 i started to miss classes, then weeks untill i hardly ever went to school and just hung out on the streets or shoplifted becuase i haed being there so much.

My grandparents did try to do well by me though, even if my grandad never tried to bond with me and my nan molly coddled me.

Then at 16 i went to college to catch up and get some qualifications, ni made friends, had fun and realised i was gay, for once i felt like i've never felt before, like i belonged. But i think it was a bit to much for me because i got a bit carried away, i would go out 4-5 nights a week drinking sleeping with random men.

Then i met an older guy who was sort of like a sugar daddy but i never had sex with him even though he always tried to, looking back i feel bad about taking his money but after a while i becoame to rely on it as a source of income and he never tried to motivate me to find a career path, everytime i came up with something, he just scoffed. I had about two relationships that ever ment anything but they didnt work out. So including the amount of guys who used me for sex, i started to become insecure (not a nice feeling) Then i discovered cannabis and i never really smoked it a huge amount but been smoking it more often more recently, but thats because my ex (the guy i just broke up with) smokes it every day and it's in the house.

My Past hasn't been enjoyable at all although i had my moments but i want to change and have an awesome future!

I'm not quite sure what is going to happen in my immediate future as i'm still living at my ex's (jamie) but i need to decide wether i'm going to go back and stay at my nan's (which i really don't want to do, but would be the smarter choice) or rent a room somewhere.

I know i want to be successful and have the life i always dreamed of, beautiful home where i can have dinner parties, great job, plenty of money, a partner who i can grow with...and even maybe kids. But it's so hard to vision that at the moment, what with the credit crunch and my ability to make myself feel like i can't do something or i'm not good enough and care too much about what people think. Even if i don't find success, good close friends and a loving boyfriend would be sufficient enough.

I know i really need to focus on getting my course finished, today i just started paying the loan repaymnets and i havent even finished, i havent been working out and the course does feel it's a fading memory, but i know it's what i want to do and i used to think i'd be good at it. So i owe it to myself to get that sorted and give it a try, if it's not for me then i'll have to try something else.