I recently graduated with my B.A in Arts and Humanities, Philosophy and Art History back in August. Right now, Im looking for a new job. Yesterday was my last day working as a visual designer for a major department store, I was employed there on a temporary basis. I am currently worried about my financial future and I am unsure of what to do next. 

What makes this time challenging for me is that I am still picking up the pieces from the huge mess I have made out of my life. I have been clean off of all drugs (except weed) for a year and change. I have no desire to go back to the life I used to live, mostly because things are hard enough without drugs, and I know for a fact that things are only made even harder with them. One of the biggest reasons I am still clean is that it feels good not to be sick all the time. Most of the happiness I feel now comes from me knowing that I am not using hard drugs. When I was on drugs, I was either high or sick, nothing ever really felt "good". Now I get to feel what its like to have a clear mind and I look forward to making it even clearer. I dont even like drinking now, just because I like having a clear head. I dont always feel good and I dont remember it being this hard for me to pull myself out of a funk, but as I see it, I still have a lot of work ahead of me. 

To add more challenges to my situation, I live with my parents and one of them is out of work, the other might possibly be losing the job they have now. I want to do something to help, but now I am out of work as well.

I must admit that I find it hard to see past all the sadness I still feel these days. I dont ever remember feeling sad like I do now. I used to be so equipped at pulling myself out of these moments. At times, I feel like I have done permanent damage and there is no hope for me, and even though I know that this cannot be true, I am at a total loss as to how I can pull myself out of these moments. Actually, they aren't even like moments, I feel this way at different levels and gradations from the time I wake up to the time I go to sleep. I want to feel like waking up, I want to feel like I can beat this sadness that has is apart of me. I want to feel like I can do anything, but for now, I just want to feel like getting out of bed and confront the world with a smile, but even though so much time has passed, its still so hard for me to do. 

In sum, Im trying to learn how to embrace ultimate suffering with a genuine smile on my face .

 A year and a half ago I moved back to my hometown in Florida from New York, where I was living for 4 years. I initially moved there to finish my Bachelors degree in Philosophy and Art History. To make a long story short, I found myself employed in a professional dungeon as a Dominatrix. I learned more than most people could imagine in the time I was there, both good and bad, positive things and negative things.

Unfortunately, what I experienced at this time continues to make me feel isolated from others, but Im learning to live with this. My job was basically to engage with the secrets of strangers. I was exposed to things that were for the most part interesting, sometimes therapeutic, but most of the time it was quite disturbing, on several different levels.

I had a successful career that provided me with many different opportunities for the first 2 years I lived in the city. It was during this time that I initially met Horse. 

Horse was the lead singer of a local hardcore band at the time. He had a past as a traveler and train hopper and, like myself, he also had a past with drug addiction, something I thought I would never be faced with again. This was specifically the reason why I didn't want him to like me. I immediately felt the connection with him when we met, but I also sensed the potential destruction we could bring out in the other. He pursued me for a year, and for a year I told him to get lost. I eventually gave in.

We were amazing together for the first 6 months and had a clean life together in that time. Living together we both were flourishing in our creative endeavors,  we had a cat and a dog. We cooked dinners together, traveled and took walks in Central Park. It was perfect. Then he got me pregnant and we both freaked out. No one wanted me to have the baby except for me. I eventually made the choice to terminate the pregnancy. Then, everything snowballed from there on out. The next thing I knew, we were homeless squatters and full fledged junkies. Our friends and family began to worry, and for a long time, I was able to hide the things they were worrying about pretty well, rather, thats what I thought at the time.

As a Domme, I always had easy access to acquiring money whenever I wanted, day or night, all I had to do was call a slave or one of my clients. We eventually got a place, and this convinced our friends and family that we were doing better. Unfortunately, our habits grew worse. We spent a year and a half like this. Our careers began falling apart, but with the few faithful minions that my addiction did not push away, I was able to support us and our flourishing addictions.  

WE made many attempts to get clean. When it didn't work I came home. Horse and I decided to have a long distanced relationship, while I came home to detox, get clean and finish my degree. My parents have been awesome and in spite of what little they have, out of the worry I put them through, asked me to move back home and get well again. When I came home, I didn't tell anyone what was happening to me or what I had been through. I detoxed cold turkey and told my family I was just really really sick. I spent an entire week in bed. Then I re-enrolled in college, and after two semesters I finally graduated in August of 2008. I literally used my desire to finish my degree as my new drug. Looking back, if it weren't for my education, I never would have made it passed those first few months. Im sure my family suspects there was something deeper going on with me at the time, but to this day I haven't told them, nor have they mustered the courage to even ask. 

Needless to say, getting clean this way was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, what's more its not even something that is "done" with, almost a year and half later and Im still trying to get better.