I'm a 22 year old female in the US Military, based out of Norfolk, VA.  I've been the most passive person you've ever met in your entire life and until I went to boot camp last year I didn't speak in public if I didn't know anyone.  I was hoping that boot camp would be enough to get me out of my shelll, but it wasn't.  I am now just painfully nice, afraid of hurting people's feelings and constantly being walked all over by the people I work with.  I'm just too nice apparently.  But now I'm interested in going into an officer program that will require me to stand up for myself, take responsibility for my actions and be confident in myself and my abilities.  I'm terrified of being wrong, being torn down in public and not being good enough.  And now my problem is that the only thing standing between me and a successful career as an officer is my overly kind, fragile demeanor.  If love for my country were enough to be an officer, I'd be one ten times over.  But I cannot lead troops when I'm afraid of standing up for myself, let alone other people.  I know that deep down I have a leader that is dying to step up, but I am pushing it down.  I'm doing this program to find the strength within myself to let the leader out.

I guess I'll start at the beginning.  I was a child that had the cookie cutter family.  Two parents, two dogs and 3 kids, myself being the oldest.  I was considered an advanced child in elementary school and my education, along with my brother's and my sister's were the forefront of the family's concerns.  Daughter of a police officer and a housewife, I was watching Rescue 911 by choice with my father when he was home from work and playing sports, all of our teams he coached.  A long, hard divorce between my parents in grades 4-8 had me fixated, depressed and confused about my family's priorities.  I lost motivation to work hard in school and felt pushed aside, second to lawyers and the affairs that my parents took part in.  My father retired my 8th grade year and didn't take another job, making ends more difficult to meet.  High school came and my freshman year went wonderfully, being told by science teachers that I was advanced and needed to stick to it.  But my sophomore year began with me getting sick when my brain shut down from stress at home, as the doctors put it.  I couldn't cope anymore so I went into a kind of shock.  I was put on anti-depressants, which worsened my depression initially and caused destructive behavior and me acting out.  After losing nearly all of my friends and being called a train wreck and a failure, I cleaned up.  I was medicated for the remainder of high school to prevent being consumed by the self destruction.  I graduated on time with a 3.0, after almost failing my sophomore year.  I don't remember much of high school; only swimming and sleeping a lot.  I chose to go to the college that my father did because I wanted so badly to be like my father, my hero.  I swam for college as well, something I excelled in.  I was a pre-nursing major, even though I was bored by learning things I could not apply to my real life at the time.  It was difficult for me to learn things "because they said to".  I dropped out of that college after a boyfriend left me because his family disliked me.  My next college was forgettable, living at home with my mother and new baby sister.  Transferred to a nursing school in WV, hoping to be a nurse sooner rather than later.  That school was horrible, so I returned home with my mom to take classes at the local community college again.  We had a falling out, I moved back to my dad's, quit school, my job, everything.  And joined the military.  The best decision without a doubt I've ever made.  I left April 2008 and got there terrified of everything.  Learned to follow orders and everything would be okay.  Reported to my first duty station and realized that I don't want to be enlisted forever.  There's more to me than that.  I'm working on my officer package, but lack the confidence needed to succeed 100%.  I need to learn to believe in myself, be productive every day and find my niche.  And that's how I got here. 

I hope to get my bachelor's degree in political science with a concentration in international relations and minor in military leadership.  I'm with a wonderful man whom I hope continue to see, but my history of cold feet and fear of abandonment leave many questions and gaps in our future.  I've worked hard on and off thorughout my life, not working towards one thing and now is time for me to rally and work towards a goal that has been a long time coming my entire life.

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