I only discovered about six years ago that I have had depression for most of my life. The last time I was really happy was when I was about 23. Sure, I have had flashes of joy and happiness, but that's all they have been - brief flashes of joy in a very black world.
[I just realised when I wrote the above that I tried (and fortunately failed dismally) to top myself when I was 23. How weird to remember that!]
It wasn't till I started working with the postnatal depression group that I realised I had had PND, and also AND before my daughter was born. I loved being pregnant, so it's very dialiectical to say the happiest time of my life was also one of the darkest.
I went on antidepressants about five years ago - this coincided with two miscarriages and a bout of thyroid cancer on top of uni studies and all the other shit that was going on in my life at the time. While it improved my headspace, I never have liked the idea of being on drugs at all, so frequently tried to wean myself off them with disasterous results.
When I first started Tools seven weeks ago (is that all? Seems more like a lifetime ago - and perhaps it is) I was in the process to wean myself off once more, this time because I simply couldn't afford to pay for the medication.
I now know that I will never need to be on antidepressants ever again! Tools has done for me something that no medication could ever hope to achieve. It has given me the power to take control of my thought processes, to create positive synapses, of knowing that I can achieve anything I conceive and believe in, of believing that I am having a great day. I got the power!
For the first time in 24 years I can smile knowing that I am happy to my very core. Knowing my spirit has been re-awakened. Knowing that I don't need to be wallowing in those choc chip cookies ever again. Knowing that YES, I AM HAPPY!
p.s. I don't recommend you stop taking your antidepressants if you are on them, and if you do decide that you are ready to take that step, you need to do it very gradually over the course of a few months.