I grew up mostly in a small town and in the countryside, my mom and stepdad are hardworkers and did what they could to raise me right, but i didnt want to listen....lol

  I guess the main reason i'm here, is to get help with my addictions, and then go from there. So i guess i could tell more about how this problem got started

  When i was 11, i had my first drink.  Schooner was the brand.  i can't believe i kept drinking after that.  lol .  I was 12 when i smoked hash for the first time. between 12 and 13 i started drinking what i could when i could get it, which was mostly on weekends. At 13 a friend of mine whom i was in boyscouts with, took me to a forest where he found what he thought was weed.  And it was.....approx 200 mature plants.  pounds and pounds, Thousands of dollars worth.  Of course we started selling it at school, it lasted us about 8 months sellig at school and having parties.  with the money from that, I bought more drugs to sell, and became very interested in growing weed.

  At about 14-15, i was growing my own on a full time, year round basis.  I found a hobby i enjoyed and made money from.

  All through my highschool years i had more than enough L.S.D. , mushrooms, weed, booze, cocaine, and the prescribed pills from  my doctors. most was on a daily basis

  After graduation, my first job was at a bar for about a year. I had lots of time to wait for rides ad sush, so i perfected my drinking skills. Already at the time smoking weed several times daily.

  I met a girl when i was 19, we fell  in love .....lol   thought things were great as far as i was concerned with all my vast knowledge of women at 19...lol.  She became pregnant and then thigs went wrong, she didnt want a life with someone who had no plans for the future. After an abortion, she moved away, never to return any calls.  This was my first love and i would have followed her to the ends of the earth.

  Our breakup was rough on me. I guess i've always been emotional, but i thought she was the one, just over a short period of time. How silly i was.

  I became rebellious and self distructive, moved in with a single buddy and we used everything we could get into our systems. Living 3 doors from a bootleggeer made it easy for whiskey and vodka. My last night living there , 10 or so of us ate mushrooms, drank , and smoked into the cold, january night.  I woke up after a nap from too many shots, i thought i heard them plotting to hurt me and leave me out in the snow somewhere. (years later i found out this wasnt the case)  I became violent and attacked several of them.....over something in my head. 

  I moved the next day to the city into a house with a rave d.j and another guy.  I was introduced to methamphetamine and ecstasy. I was 20 on the tuesday following easter weekend that i had my first overdose.

  I never ate, never slept, never paid bills, lied, stole, and schemed . I was a real peice of work those days. I was 21 when my father brought me to his place to clean up. unfortunately his idea of cleaning up was to take me to the pubs with him every day and night. smoking weed and booze was ok for him, so it was fine for me.

  Until i was 23 i was in a farm  house in the country ....growing weed, and working at a factory holding down a job. From the age of 18 to 23 I went through 11 jobs.

  On my 23rd summer, ( and probably my 1000th marijuana crop) I was arrested and charged with production of cannabis. The police found 20 plants in my car just before i got in my laneway. Not kowing that there was 200 in the house 80 ft away.

  Thankfully the money from those paid for my lawyer and court fines....lol

  The night i was released  was a friday, went to see the tragically hip, the guess who and some others i dont remember.

  I had my 2nd overdose that night on ketamine, methamphetamine, and crack cocaine.

  I was back to work on the following tues. On the following friday, sitting at a friend's  trailer, (reading the newspaper article about me and my charges) He invited 2 girls over , we drank and him and i snorted coke and flirted with the girls.

  The girl i was interested in was my future wife. She became my saviour! so i thought.

  We drank and drank and drank. She was 18 at the time and liked to party hard, to me it was actually a nice change only drinking beer and smoking weed.

  And basically since then till a week ago, i have not done heavy drugs on a regular basis, but still enjoyed them when i could treat myself. more like once or twice a year for cocaine. My main habits have been weed, booze and prescription drugs.

  The prescription drugs are ritalin, arthritec, praxol, celebrex, and oxycotent. mostly for pain i get from an accident i was in several years ago. I got crushed in between two vehicles at the knees.

  The last 2 years have been scheduled around how soon i can start drinking. i usually had one open before i got a mile from work. since i started getting high at 12-13 yrs old,  I smoke a cpl grams of weed before i even get to work.

  Its all boiled down to this......

   After all these years, I dont know who i am anymore. The people i've hurt, and effected negatively, the harm i've done to my body, all the weed i've sold and the lives it affected, the strain on the legal system, and most of all , my wife and the things i havent been able to buy for us or do for us because i'm drunk when i get home and i'm high when i get up and leave.

  The depression had  been getting to me and then i found myself contemplating suicide. "Maybe my wife is better off with me gone. she would get over me quick. shes strong", i thought to myself. "My 30th birthday will be when". 

   This was 3 weeks ago.

  I always had thought i would be doing something great by that age, but its amazing how quick time goes by.

  After a couple days thinking long and hard about how my plans were to go, i heard of this website on a radio show. The host talked about his experiences, although many different scenerios, he manages to live clean and sober and loves life.

  I decided to look at this site when i got home from work that night. A few days after i looked at this site i decided on a plan and Tools To Life was going to be my last try at it.

.................and here i am