I feel lost and confused.  I know I am not where I want to be, but I haven't a clue on how to get started. In many ways I've changed a lot.  It's just that the people around me don't seem to accept the me that is emerging.  I feel guilty that I'm incorporating changes for my own benefit and growth, yet I long for people to "stick by me" as I evolve. I seem to trigger a lot of anger and resentment with others who I thought were my friends and family. simply put, I thought I was loved unconditionally, only to finds out that I am loved or liked as long as I'm doing something for them.  It's like I need to perform in some way, otherwise I'm accused of being selfish, not caring and non-supportive.  These things confuse me and I feel lost in that there seems to be an ever widening gap between me and others.  Yet I see and read about poople doing great things with their lives like Bill Gates, Maria Schriver, the Obamas, Kristy Yamaguchi and countless others.  It's like I'm standing still, while everyone else is going past me. I guess I'm in need of support of who  am now and who I could be.  I'm looking for those already on the pathway to doing, improving themselves and succeeding,.  I'm interested in those who share their success stories and their mistakes/failures, yet do not dwell on them.  I guess I'm looking for those who look at the glass as full, instead of lamenting that it looks empty and soon the contents will be gone.  I'm looking for support in my endeavors and somehow, it seems that I am looking for the OK to soar the stars.  I wonder if there is anyone out there like that, who I can charge my self up and they do not extract some sort of "toll" or expectation in return for giving it.

I think I've done many good things. I've traveled, rose to the top of my profession, put my self through school. Yet these things seem to be meaningless.  I have a bunch of unfinished "things", like completing my education, buying a home.  I've squandered countless amounts of money, time and other resources.  I've been the doormat for just about everyone, afraid to stand up for myself, indeed, not knowing I had a self separate and apart form others, especially family and friends. I've put myself in a nothingness state, while others went on with their lives. It's like I confirmed their unspoken beliefs..that I am nothing, something to be used and then thrown away. Voiceless, invisible, except when something is wanted. Busy with their lives unless there is something that they need.  I feel that I've allowed time and opportunities to pass me by, based on the opinions of othes, because it seems that is what they wanted and what they want is more important than what I want.  This has caused great turmoil.  And as I right this, it seems the way is being shown and what I've been silently thinking and feeling has surfaced. Hmmm!!!

so, then, this exercise of past and present has really helped.  I think this is what was needed.  I have found that what I need is my own time, my own space, my own agenda.  Just that word, "agenda" had negative connotations. Plan is a better word.  So I am making my own plan(s) as awkward as it is and yet in doing so, it reveals the envy and jealousy that surrounded me.  I have decided that I've wasted enough time and to start using my time more wisely.  This means planning, a total foreign concept to me, but as I look about me, the most succcessful people have some sort of agenda or plan, even if it is changed.  More important, they seem to have some sort of goal, specific desire they want to realize. I desire to place myself amongst those who have desires and goals, too.  To see my dreams achieved and dare I say to do it well.  Thank you in advance to whovever reads this.  You've helped me a lot and I hope you continue to do so.