Day 13 of New Year, Day 13 of Pers Freedom Challenge

Wow caught up with my challenge, and caught up on pod's and blog for it.  I have found myself turning off the TV for the first time in well forever to concentrate on these things. I have been making a to-doosies list and living and breathing by it, the last couple of days.  Man I have made some serious progress on a lot of little minutae shit.  Less in my head to keep track of, and more on paper to cross off.  I have actually been sticking to my diet for 2 days now, small step for me, big step in right direction, to hell with mankind?

     Am catching a theme of not putting myself first, in what my friends are going thru and what I am hearing from my coaches, and reading material, Nice girls finish Fat.  Even my challenge has brought that thought up.  Why do I put everyone ahead of me?  Now making my daughter a priority is OK, but the rest of my family?  And I can't even get my head wrapped around my relationship with my Ex-controlling BF, and the business relationship that we have going.  So I am going to try for the next 18 days to put me first in the trifecta I call my life, and do the small things that do make a big change.  Small choices today, make a huge change in my tomorrows.  Frog's, gotta do one thing everyday that I haven't been willing to do, so that in 18 days, I am not writing about me not being first in my life?  259.8 today.  That is hard to admit, but it is way better than the 294 that I was somewhere in the last year with the BF. I have about 40 days before I am going on vacation to Loreto.  I want to have made some changes of the small choice variety before then.  Let's see if I can lose to 236.  I like that number, that is 24 pounds, which is one of my lucky numbers.  236 is a wt. I haven't been at since I worked at Fed Ex in the early '92's and should put me in 16's for my trip.  That is like 10 pounds below my Michael Myers wt. which was a pretty confidant time in my life.  That would be about what I weighed when I went to Wyoming, Smile.  I had a great time back there, and he was afraid of me too.  That is another theme I am tired of. Don, I think Jim in a lot of ways, Mike, and now Easter.  I would like to have to buy a new wardrobe for my trip.  Cos I couldn't take my clothes in that much to make the now ones fit.  I am a 20-ish now.  I am excited about all the things I could do a little diff if I could go at that weight.  I hope by Feb 21st I have a new rental.  I hope by then I have exercised every day, swallow that frog.  I hope that I have made measureable strides in all the small choices, that I think don't count.  But that have added up to the weight and out of shapeness I call my life now.  I want to have changed my bullying threatening ways with Jazzi, so I gotta order Jim Fay now. Don would shit if I showed up with another 40 off. And I would be alot more confidant and even more threatening at that weight.  The fat I have on me, is a keep away, I don't like myself, so here don't like me either choice.  I need to like me, first me, so that I can be good at healthy.  Fuck thin, I want to be healthy. 259.8 is not healthy.  It is healthier than the 298, or the 284, but it is not my fighting weight.  I have not been able to picture myself in the visualization part, thin, for some reason? Wonder why? I kinda grew through that stage, but I was in 35 jeans for quite a while? Wonder why I can't visualize that part of my life?  Have to talk to someone about that?  Well off to swallow some frogs.  40 days 24 pounds to Baja.

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Tags: goals, weight loss, low self esteem,