My life is a difficult one and very hard to dicuss and sometimes it is very hard for me but I wil try my best.  I come from a broken home my parents divorsed when I was very young and I lived with my mother for the remainder of my childhood and into my adulthood. I really did not have much of childhood do to the fact that when I was 14years old my mother was stricten with a terrible uncurable disease called Multiple Sclerosis and I was the oldest of two so it was my responsibility to take care of practically everthing in the household and as the years went on the disease got worse and my mother bacame very phycially abusive and I took te blunt of it all cuz I was the oldest and should of known better about all things.  I went the whole way through high school dealing with verbal and physical abuse when I graduated from high school I became very rebellous towards my mother and started drinking on a regular basis to numb the pain of being abused and was also sexually active with anyone just to feel some type of physical touch.  Finally in 1994 I met a man and to get away from the abusive household I got married in 95 and a year later I was pregnant with my first baby and had to put my mother in a nursing home but little did I know the abuse was not going to stop at just my mother.  The first five of my marriage where good and things started going down hill he started being very abusive verbally abusive and then it when to being abusive physically and sexually there where even times in my marriage that he would rape me but, I continued to stay with him for 11 years and it was the worse 11 years of my life I was so suicidal that I had to attend intense therapy and be on extreme doses of medication.

My story does not stop there just to get away from the abuse of my husband I had to find something to do with my life so I took CNA training and starting working in a nursing home close to where I lived but, still was stressed because I could not keep up with all the bills in 2002 I started experimenting with drugs first I started out by just smoking a little weed every once in a while to smoking a bowl a day when that wasn't enough anymore I tried heroin for the first time and I really liked it, it took all the internal pain away and I was able to deal with my husband a little better. After a few weeks of using the drug it was all I could think about I had to get high several times a day just so I did not get dope sick when I was unable to get heroin I would do other drugs like valiums, vicodins,percocets, and those were all snorted so they would work faster but the herion was used with a needle and i would slam it in between my toes or underneath my watch line so that my husband did not see my track lines and he was to stupid to tell if I was high or not I could be high and still function like a normal human being.  I would go to work high and come home from work high.  This was continous for 6 months until my drug provider quit providing me with the drug cuz I would not sleep with HER anymore so I began going through detox on my own and ended up in the hospital in the phyc ward.  Since those days my children have been removed from my care because while I was working my husband was abusing them instead of me that happened in 2005, in 2006 my mother and father died, my husband left me which was a GOD sent, I was homeless, jobless, moneyless, carless but, was able to pull my stuff together and make it through.  I have had several relationships since I divorsed my husband and none of them worked out so I have given up on men completely.  I also have had several relapses since 2006.

I beleive that my  future has already begun I have been able to maintain sobriey for almost a year now, I have been able to get one of my children home to live with me my oldest which is my son Austin he is now 12 my daughter is still in foster care but the future looks rather good for her too. My mental disorder is in remission at this point and I hopeto keep it that way. I plan to work really hard to keep my sobriety as well.  My sexuality has taken a change for the better since my divorse I have a very wonderful woman who has been a very positive influence on and my son and I hope our relationship continues to grow I have finally learned how to love and receive love and I have also have learned how to allow myself to be happy and that is where I am today never happier.

Mon, May 04 07:39 AM

butterfly09 posted new blog entry.